Urban Poverty Law Center

I am writing you from my cage at the Huntingdon Animal Clinic where I have been kenneled for the past week. Susan Blunderdoss, my secretary, and only employee found me spending too much time in the litter box and called the vet who arranged for my admission to the animal clinic. Diarrhea, weight loss, and an unnatural craving to watch republican presidential candidate's debate reruns has taken its toll. I am a broken man. I dreamt Herman Cain pulled out of the primary after the girlfriends became more and more credible and he became less and less credible. Hey, it is ok to be a man, even womanizers are within the bell shaped curve of normal, but out there on the far fringes. But, hey, if as what my mother said about women weren't true, the Herman Cains of the world would not get into so much mischief. He would have no one to play with, you see? But, sadly, there are enough good girls out there who are willing to play around with a powerful man to keep the powerful men occ...

A neurosurgeon reported that the HHS has determined American Citizens who reach and exceed the age of 70 will no longer be afforded neurosurgical interventions for head bleeds from aneurysms or other sources of bleeding. These aged citizens are referred to as units once they hit the golden years. Units over 70 will be offered comfort care only. UPLC suggests all my followers who are approaching the golden unit years must immediately see President Obama's birth certificate designer/creator and shave at least 10 years off your age! I am only 48 as of today. How old are you? Get your birth certificate changed immediately. I know a judge who will change your age legally for about a hundred dollars. Email me if you need to have a legal age reduction. Don't wait, your life depends upon it. Welcome to Government Run Healthcare brought to you by the same people who brought you Waco and Fast and Furious. Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

Believe it. I have a couple of very liberal friends who up until a week or so ago believed only the republicans were big business friendly money grubbing criminals. Now my favorite pal has turned on Nasty Pelosi because of her unflattering appearance on 60 minutes. The 60 minutes, a formerly hard hitting news show, which was famous for rooting out any corruption, be it in or outside of the US Government. Before this latest look at Congressional insider trading perks, I could not convince my friend that both sides of the isle were filthy corrupt. I supported republicans only because they seemed to tax fewer of my income dollars than the multimedia supported whores of the democrat party. Media yawned when Hillary Clinton turned a $1000 investment in cattle futures into a $100,000 gain in a year, back when a hundred grand would buy you a nice chunk of a Whitewater River side property. More yawns when Franklin Raines and the low level dip shit woman at Justice, who is famous for setti...

The congressional super committee is full of dolts. A room full of third graders in Singapore could fairly quickly balance a budget of 3.6 trillion dollars of a 120 billion dollar underfunding of this whopping 3.3% short fall by taking a deficit reduction charge against each check the US government and its agents print. Congressional pay and slush funds to run their offices cut by 3.3%. President Obama's generous $400,000 per year salary reduced by a meager $13,200 per year to give him some skin in the game. Each $100 dollars in benefits would be dunned for a whopping $3.30, the cost of a nice Starbucks Latte, or even a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline. Come on congress find your courage, if you can't eliminate waste by shearing off unnecessary programs and graft, then cut them all equally. Who can complain about that? You're all a spineless bunch of do-nothings. Who is giving you your marching orders? I suspect you will hear from the real owners of this nation next Nove...

I was in the local Walmart picking up kitty litter, dog food, and hair spray for my niece, the one who was gonna fix Mitt Romney's hair if he had made it to the First Cedar Grove Republican Presidential Candidates Debate, but he didn't show, when a complete stranger came up and asked me for directions. "How does one slow cook a turkey?" She was a handsome woman. I took her to be shy, but nigh forty. Her features were symmetric, her nose with the slightest Bob Hope "hook", otherwise she was flawless. Her dentures were spotless and glistened when she smiled. She smiled a lot, because the only lines on her face were her smile lines. Her face was framed by thick auburn hair which flowed comfortably to her shoulders. Like her dentures her hair shouted "clean enough the eat off!" Her lips were full and round, and almost "pouty" when first I noticed. Her neck was taut and tanned. The kind of tan one would get playing tennis or taking long hikes...

Neutron Bombs were removed from the US nuclear arsenal in the 1980's when some liberal pantywaist learned these weapons exploded and released gads of radiation killing men, women, and children indiscriminately without destroying the infrastructure. These weapons were quickly outlawed so now only outlaws have them. Newt Gingrich has exploded onto the GOP scene, taking out Mitt Romney, a pantywaist, Herman Cain, an accused panty groper, and Michelle Bachmann, a person of interest. But there is nothing New in Newt Gingrich. He should never be considered a viable candidate for the American Tea Party. Newt is an insider. Of course, the media will try to feign an all out attack against him, but this will only be a ruse. He will be welcomed with open arms by the media and the Washington elites. Newt Gingrich has taken a Freddie Mac money whack which is a political slush fund, where politicians and their well connected friends take turns legally raiding the US Treasury to steal from the Am...

In an exclusive one on one interview, Hillary Clinton is adamant she will not accept the nomination for President from a very split and disorganized democrat party. Barack Hussein Obama's decision not to seek a second term at this late date has thrown the party of Occupy Wall Street, Grifters, and near-do-wells into complete meltdown mode. Reorganized chapters of Acorn will have to throw away the counterfeit ballots bearing his name. A spokesperson for the Acorn affiliates complained they need some lead time to get these ballots right. "This changes everything! We just wasted about a million dollars of taxpayer money, but don't worry we have plenty more where that came from." Mitt Romney, upon learning of Hillary's decision not to seek her parties nomination, quickly changed his affiliation from lukewarm republican to hot and nasty democrat and is the putative new front runner. A spokesperson for Governor Romney, Plethora Williams, said, "the switch was e...

The International Atomic Energy Association, IAEA, has briefed the Urban Poverty Law Center, UPLC, on its investigation into Iran's nuclear program specifically as it relates to arms development. We, here at UPLC, were surprised to learn of Iran's work and rapid progress towards a viable nuclear bomb as it pertains to miniaturization. The Iranians are seeking a nuclear weapon which will only leave a foot print of 263 x 71 miles, which is purely by coincidence the exact dimensions of the State of Israel. Mockmood Afterdinnerjob, the spokesperson for the Iranian Atomic Energy Association, IAEA, denies there is any connection with these facts. He went on to ask if the IAEA would report on the nuclear arms readiness of the United States of America. After his request was wrongly routed to the Iranian IAEA, instead of the International IAEA, I was given the duty to report back to them. I did a quick google search and my report follows. My non classified research yielded 71,000 nuclea...

Apparently, gasoline is not the only substance made less effective by the addition of ethanol, CH3CH2OH, or C2H6O for you chemists. Testosterone is converted into testosterol with the addition of even small quantities of alcohol. It clouds ones judgement and makes even the homeliest maiden appear to be a beauty queen suitable for breeding. I have heard all my life the following truism, which is I believe, a quote from Mother Teressa: "Were it not for alcohol and parties, none of us would have been born." Sometimes the only way the sexes can tolerate one another is through that old magic called the totty! If you do not believe me, take a trip to Wal-mart and look at some of the hags who are dragging two or three little children around. Check the shopping cart, there will be some beer in every one of them. Old men need viagra, and young men saddled with human hogzillas require alcohol. God invented alcohol so even the ugliest women would procreate. I would invite Stephen Hawkin...

Sotheby's Auction House placed the only known surviving tooth of the famed former Beatle, John Lennon, on the block and it fetched $31,000 this past week. It is claimed a Canadian dentist took the remarkable dental artifact with his winning bid. A spokesman for the famous British auctioneers are reportedly in contact with Lennon's widow, Yoko Ono, making final negotiations for the sale of Sean Lennon, one of only two known offspring sired by the famous pop star. Sotheby's spokesperson, Bridgette Lacy Cornwallace-Colanspasm, great-great granddaughter of the Grand Duke and Duchess of Derbanshire, Colonel Reginald and Buffy Cornwallace-Colanspasm, who are credited with introducing cricket and croquette into India and inventing the first all cotton adult diaper, indicates the negotiations are going well, but Yoko wants to start the bidding at 100,000 pounds, which may put off some bidders for young Master "Sean Rennon" as Yoko refers to him. Word on the street ...

Occupy Wall Street will assure a Republican sweep of the elections next year. When Abbey Hoffmann and the weather underground disrupted the democrat national convention in Chicago in 1968, the Tea Party was watching as contemporaries to such criminals as Bernadette (whose father wanted a boy really bad) Dorn and her slimy life's mate, Puke Willieman, formerly of the University of Chicago. These Tea Partier parents did the only logical thing when faced with the lawlessness and disorder of these drug addled youths. They elected Richard Nixon president because he was deemed more of a law and order fellow than that lovable, little, dimpled, dumpling of a man, Hubert Horatio Humphrey, jr (D.) Minnesota. Nixon cracked down on the yippies and Bernie and Puke hid out until it was safe to come out again. If Nixon's attorney general had captured these two, they may have gotten the M. Gadhafi treatment. Again it is comforting to know that punishment is meted out here in America based on ...

Trouble is a brewing if professional cricket players are getting hard time for shaving points in cricket competition and Jon Corzine cooks the books for millions in MF Global and he is expected to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. It is refreshing to know punishments are still meted out here in the Western world relative to ones status. As the old American Express Card ad puts it, "Wealth has its privilege." A Muslim woman in Malaysia is catching flack for writing a book extolling the virtues of keeping husbands sexually gratified. Is she serious? This will set the women at NOW, the National Organization For Women, on fire. The book is very graphic with sections on "wearing a hijab without panties", and "sex and prayer, is 5 times a day too much"? I am sure this book will be on every Muslim man's Christmas list for his wives! I wonder how or if the wives will share a book or if the husband will have to buy a copy for each? Now that Libyan stron...

I was up late last night and decided to phone in on one of those 1800 numbers for singles and I spoke to a young lady, young sounding voice anyway, who told me she was involved in the current Herman Cain sex imbroglio. I will try to protect her identity, but Foxy, assured me I could use her real name in my report which follows: Foxy Merivether, is a retired restaurateur from Atlanta, Ga. She was born in Valdosta, Ga in 1961 to an unwed 20 yr old mother who had hooked up with a red-headed presidential candidate earlier the previous year, who went on to become president. I will try to protect this man's reputation since he is no longer here and can not be expected to voice any opinion as to the merits of the facts as presented as is the custom after one has been killed by an assassin's bullet in Dallas, Texas. I will not say which early sixties year this sad event took place, as I fear I have said to much already. I can say that John Connolly and and his wife were with the presid...