The International Atomic Energy Association, IAEA, has briefed the Urban Poverty Law Center, UPLC, on its investigation into Iran's nuclear program specifically as it relates to arms development.
We, here at UPLC, were surprised to learn of Iran's work and rapid progress towards a viable nuclear bomb as it pertains to miniaturization. The Iranians are seeking a nuclear weapon which will only leave a foot print of 263 x 71 miles, which is purely by coincidence the exact dimensions of the State of Israel.
Mockmood Afterdinnerjob, the spokesperson for the Iranian Atomic Energy Association, IAEA, denies there is any connection with these facts. He went on to ask if the IAEA would report on the nuclear arms readiness of the United States of America.
After his request was wrongly routed to the Iranian IAEA, instead of the International IAEA, I was given the duty to report back to them. I did a quick google search and my report follows.
My non classified research yielded 71,000 nuclear weapons manufactured by the US since the inception of the program during World War II. They are mated to 10 different delivery systems, and not all 71,000 of these are active, only about 9,600 are ready for deployment, the rest have been retired or are being held in reserve, in case the first 9,600 salvos miss the mark. My contacts at the Defence Department assure me the weapons will get the job done, no matter the mission. "Large or small
we can break them all!" Is the motto at the nuclear weapons division.
Garrison Kiellor, not his real name, was my contact at the DOD nuclear weapons division. My curiosity was piqued by the large or small claim and I shot him the following question: "What if I had a really bad bedbug infestation? Do you have something for this?"
"Jack, we have something that will only take out a 4ft by 6ft area in the miniaturized neutron bomb's division. It will only kill life forms and the mattress is usable immediately after the smoke clears. It is fantastic!"
I followed up with this: "What do you suppose it would cost for you fellows to bring one out to the farm and give me a demonstration, not that I have a problem with bed bugs or anything?"
"Jack last time we used one of these weapons, Michelle Obama had brought some of these little hitchhikers back from one of her many trips to Africa. Now as you may or may not know the Africanized bedbug is an aggressive biter, who will often bite and inject its anticoagulant just for shear meanness. European and Asian bedbugs only bite once to feed and if you are going to share your bed with only one of these pests, the European, followed by the Asian, and last and least desirable is the Africanized units. They have a particularly nasty disposition and have been secretly found to pass the aids virus in their secretions."
"Oops! I can not believe I just said that. I meant to say there is no risk of aids even though they bite multiple partners and spread what ever is in the blood streams to whom ever they strike." Strike the statement and do not use it in your reporting, please. Can I interest you in some homemade soup? My mother sent it from my home out on the prarrie in Minnesota."
"Of course. I would love to try some but only if your will be my companion and join me at the dinner table where we can share a few stories and a good time."
We moved our location to the DoD lunch room and began our meal. It was the best soup I had ever had.
"What ever became of the infestation at the White House?"
"Do you recall when the large tarp was draped over the White House late last year?"
"Yes."
"That was no ordinary tarp, it was there to keep the scattered neutrino's from escaping the White House sleeping quarters. We lit one of these small neutron bombs off and thankfully, it had the desired effect. No more bed bugs!"
"Will these ever be commercially available?"
"Jack, these are very expensive. The expense would give pause to even Bill Gates or Warren Buffett."
"One last question, Garrison. What do you think would be the result of a shooting war between Iran and the United States?"
"United States-1, the Peoples Republic of Iran-0."
"Are you certain?"
"Yes, quite certain. We are still a nation lead by RWM and these are the most vile and ruthless of all the races. Sure the Arab and the Persian will carve your head off with a grin as your blood rushes out of your head and body, but the RWM will think nothing of lighting a nuke and vaporizing millions in an instant. Tell me who wins this one?"
We finished our soup and I fired off a letter to the Iranian head of the IAEA, Mockmood Afterdinnerjob, and beseeched him not to pursue this folly any further.
I will share his reply if he has time to make one. Things are rapidly spinning out of control.
Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center
RWM=Richwhitemen
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