I am writing you from my cage at the Huntingdon Animal Clinic where I have been kenneled for the past week. Susan Blunderdoss, my secretary, and only employee found me spending too much time in the litter box and called the vet who arranged for my admission to the animal clinic. Diarrhea, weight loss, and an unnatural craving to watch republican presidential candidate's debate reruns has taken its toll. I am a broken man.
I dreamt Herman Cain pulled out of the primary after the girlfriends became more and more credible and he became less and less credible. Hey, it is ok to be a man, even womanizers are within the bell shaped curve of normal, but out there on the far fringes. But, hey, if as what my mother said about women weren't true, the Herman Cains of the world would not get into so much mischief. He would have no one to play with, you see?
But, sadly, there are enough good girls out there who are willing to play around with a powerful man to keep the powerful men occupied for well up into and beyond the viagra years! Can anyone say Bill Clinton? Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to engage in sexual activity.
Hell, my doctor will find out I was not healthy enough to when he reads my obituary. I feel like it is in my best interest to be the first and last to know that secret. Saddle up! Ride em, cowboy!
Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich, who garnered millions of dollars in consulting fees from gov coffers, with his golden advice to the criminals in DC, has become the latest republican poster child for the "anyone but Mitt" contingency. A contingency made up of Tea Party patriots who see Mitt Romney as the media's choice to oppose their "Golden Boy", Barack Hussein Obama in next years election.
Mitt takes the Obama Care bullet off the table and would, it seems, be easier to beat than even a freakish Cerberus-like candidate headed by Bob Dole, John McCain, and Sarah Palin. And, as a bonus, should Mitt Romney be elected he could rightfully claim to be the first woman president in much the same way Bill Clinton was proclaimed the first Black president. Could a man named Willard be elected President? Even Millard Filmore's parents new better.
Obama Care, all your health care needs, and more of less for everybody with a fee scale at which your doctor will stop practicing and go into politics where more idlers are found than in any other profession.
And speaking of idlers:
The great loafer queen from Massachusetts, B. Frank, has announced he will not seek a 33rd year in office. Can you say "Rat abandoning ship?" For thirty-two years he has caused mischief with his Freddie and Fanny banking legislation and does not want his sullied seat to fall into republican hands next year as surely it would. The mood is nasty bad for incumbents who have led the destruction of the dollar and the raid on the treasury. I will miss his mouth of marbles surly rantings against conservative taxpayers everywhere who disagree with his progressive vision of "my way or the highway!"
I hear he has signed a big contract with the Massengil Corporation which plans to push a scented enema/douche for men who would try it if not for, you know.
The folks at Massengil have already landed a big navy contract. I am no Jack Crammer, but Massengil, MasDouche, nasdq is a strong buy and hold(for best results) as I see it. I have seen some of the pre-marketing literature and the names are awesome.
PooftaFume, BungNectar, RearGuard,(sure to be a big hit in the armed services) HineyMusk, CracknFresh, GayBalm, FagRance, A-Roses, ButtERkup, and my personal favorite, KweerCologne.
For those with larger receivers they even plan to include a bit of alum to tighten things up a little. The march to decadence continues. Armageddon, is that you? Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex, especially if he/she looks to be having a bad day.
JD Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center
"That ain't right!" Mother Maybolt, 1927-2008
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