Urban Poverty Law Center Contact With Maiden On The "Steve Irwin"

I was alarmed when I received this Email from a comely maiden who reports she is held on the SS Steve Irwin Whale Wars ship against her will. I believe this may be a prank, but I include it here, with some redactions for civility to get your reaction to see if I should bump this up to a higher authority. Also, does anyone know who this poor girl may be?

20, July 2011

Jacque Mayboo
President, UPLC
Cedar Grove, Tn 38321

Dear Masseur Mayboo,

I am Michele Monet Rothchilldeberger, of de famous banking Rothchilldebergers. I am 22 years old next month and have been held captive on de SS Steve Irwin for over 6 months. I felt I could email you and you could make my plight known to de entire world so maybe some other young girl, full of hopes and dreams, does not follo en my footsteps only to have dem dashed on de unseen rocks of life's reef. My story on de Steve Irwin follows:

I answered an advertisement for Mates on de Steve Irwin placed on de Parisian Craigslist by Captain Paul. It promised adventure, in exchange for room and board, and light work on de ship. I fully understood de mission was to do battle with de Japanese whaling fleet and would naturally involve some danger and risk to body and soul, but what I have learned about dis operation would make your hair stand up.

I am subjected daily to taunts by de other mates. I cannot pass dem in de hallway without shouts of "Show me your teats!" And de male crew members are often more aggressive and practice de frottage in such a crude manner with deir hands, pretending dey did not notice deir hands on my breasts!

I am a tall woman, nearly 6ft 3 inches and Captain Paul takes every liberty with any swell, or rough water to plant his unctuous face deeply into my cleavage. Funny how his sea legs abandon ship when I am on de bridge. Always de gentleman, he inhales deeply from my cleavage before pulling back, with eyes rolling back like a bull dat has found a cow in full estrous, falls back to his space and touches himself. Den a few moments later he smokes a Salem, grabs the wheel and pretends to scan de horizon for Japanese Whaling vessels.

I have not left my cabin for three weeks. My skin is becoming transparent. After showering I looked at myself in the mirror and was shocked by what I saw, two blue spots and a brown spot. I am getting rickets. We are not due into port for another two months and I think de helio pilot is a Mormon.

I will close dis letter for I have taken enough of your time, Masseur Mayboo. If I ever get out of dis floating prison I promise I will come to work closely under you at de Urban Poverty Law Center. De whales, dey do not appreciate anything we do for dem. But you work to rid human kind of poverty, dat is a real calling.

Yours truly,

Michele Rothchilldeberger
some where in icy waters off Argentina

Does anyone know this young lady?

Jaque Mayboo, President, Urban Poverty Law Center

"Whales are just dolphins on steroids." Mother Maybolt, 1924-2008

Urban Poverty Law Center A Whale of A Proposition

Last evening after perusing my SI Swimsuits Issue, I flipped on the Tele to bore myself to sleep. Animal Planet, not my typical viewing fare, was on. The remote was several feet away on the dresser. I had removed my leg prosthesis and had settled very comfortably into my bed. I decided not to make the one legged leap to retrieve the remote, and to suffer what ever preposterous programing the communist at Animal Planet had to offer, believing sleep would soon rescue me from this attempted brain rape by the Animal Planet programmers.

"Whale Wars" what? Could it be the ocean's mammoths were at war and I did not even know it? This got my attention. As I watched, Captain Paul, who looks an awful lot like an older version of Cedar Grove's own, Mikey MacElroy, who left the area about 15 years ago, after some questions were raised about indecencies he took with a local troop of cub scouts, piloted the "Steve Irwin" all over the South Atlantic. It was in a futile attempt to find and rescue three lost Norwegian Sailors from the Research Vessel, "Berserk".

It was captivating to watch Captain Paul steer the SS Steve Irwin through the frigid waters, narrowly missing bobbing tractor truck sized ice chunks, called "growlers". Named that because of their similarity to hard stools, a common malady of the world's carnivores, hence the growl on passage.

The SS Irwin's all vegetarian crew only pass low volume and environmentally friendly "squitter squirts", a mushy brown liquid with the same consistency as 'figgy puddin', that mysterious desert made popular in that old Christian Christmas tune, "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". It is collected into on board tanks and through some bacteriological chicanery it is converted into propane gas and powers the generators on the "Irwin".

The other crew members are interesting characters. Mostly young, privileged, trust fund monkeys, who, if not off battling windmills in the waters off Antarctica along side Captain Paul, would be inpatients on Step 4 of 12 at the Betty Ford Center In Palm Springs, California for what ever chemical dependency they had this year. Worthless as tits on a bore hog!

Anyway as I watched these dedicated animal lovers search in vain for the three lost "Berserk" crew members I could not help thinking a counter TV series to Whale Wars might get some play on the ESPN Nascar channel.

My inspiration is to raise several millions of dollars and commission a better and faster boat. I would call it the SS Dick Cheney, or the SS Rush Limbaugh. With it I would chase the SS Irwin around the oceans and interfere with their objectives. I would crew it with rednecks and capitalists. I would accept sponsorship from Nascar, the Japanese Whaling Industry, and the Dutch.

I believe the best name of this reality series might be: "The Whale War Wars". Don't get me wrong here. I do not hate whales. I just hate people who are intolerant of people who enjoy a good whale steak from time to time.

If God had not intended whales to be eaten, He would have made them taste more like antelope than cow.

I am Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

"How long do you suppose it will be until some loony group forms PETAP, "People For the Ethical Treatment Of Animals And Plants? Then what would we eat, dirt?" Mother Maybolt, 1926-2008