The Queen Who Would Be Hillary

There are few things in life more certain than debt and taxes. The inevitability of Hillary Clinton as the next president of the United States of America is not one. As Rush Limbaugh stated so brilliantly a couple of weeks ago, "Hillary cannot draw flies to an event." And here is where I think Limbaugh is wrong, dead wrong.

While it is true there is no energy in the campaign. Everyone is going through the motions but there is no fire in belly of the Clinton supporter, if you exclude the liberal media, but I repeat myself and liberal hollywood, again redundant. Where is the excitement? Where is the passion? Where is the romance? Most people in America would rather have a root canal than attend a Hillary Clinton rally. Hell, Goldman Sachs even paid her $600,000 to limit her speech to 20 minutes.

Hillary Clinton has the charisma of house fly, the charm of poison ivy, the personality of a wart, and the empathy of a dish of beluga caviar left out in the sun at a fundraiser in the Hamptons all afternoon. Her voice is annoying. Her politics are dunder headed. She is a political dullard.

If one could place John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Bob Dole in a huge blender and whirl them up and pour them into a mold shaped like Hillary and shock the goo back to life, this terrible combination of republican presidential candidates would still be better suited for the presidency than Hillary Clinton. She is the weakest candidate nominated by either party, ever!

She is inept. She is shallow. She is selfish. She is aloof. She is ill. She will lie when everyone knows she is lying and do it with a strait face, knowing full well the sycophants of the press will cover for her. These fawning fools in the press fall all over themselves trying desparately to gain the queen's attention and favor.

A sickly Hillary Clinton has to postpone a phony press conference due to a coughing fit and the press dutifully blame the pollen counts in Ohio. But, I have another possible explanation for her fits of coughing and choking.

Could Hillary be choking on her own queefs? Would it be reasonable to suggest the old grey queef maker ain't as fresh as it used to be? Now I may be labeled a mysogynist for my suggestion, but when one of the great drawing point of Hillary's candidacy is her special gender, which she shares with over 3.5 billion others in the world making it not quite as rare and special as she would like us to believe, she must be willing to take any and all criticism like the man she is running against.

What great hold does the queen hold over the press? It's certainly not her ability as a leader, for she has tried numerous times over the past 30 years to gain one success, and aside from selling nothing but influence to billionaire fools and equally corrupt pols all over the world she has not a single great accomplishment to her credit.

The press fell out laughing at Donald Trump's tiny hands implying his penis might not be Huge! If the press was fair and gave Mrs. Clinton's genitalia equal time, then the freshness and tautenicity must, by rights, come to the forefront during any presidential election. Afterall, who among us does not celebrate Huge and fresh and taut in this day and age of sexual freedom? I suspect Mrs. Clinton would not pass the sniff nor the taut test at her age. But noone will go there, and for good reason.

I dare every voter to vote for the candidate you would most like to see having sexual relations with their husband or wife, Bill and Hillary Clinton or Donald and Melania Trump. No contest, congratulations President Trump. With this challenge even Bill Clinton would vote for Trump.

She is such a weak candidate I believe she cannot win without some serious voter fraud. Hillary Clinton is a single birthday candle viewed from a mile away, whereas Donald Trump is a super nova.

HIllary Clinton is dull, dimwitted, disgurntled, demeaning, disinguenuous, demanding, deathly ill and damaged goods.

She may not know what (C) means in a State Document, but she sure as hell knows what ($) means and this is the only thing she pays any attention to in her life.

Hillary Clinton is a greedy politician and has never committed a selfless act in her life.

She is wrong for America, wrong for the world, and wrong for the solar system.

Globing warming is nothing compared to what Hillary Clinton would do to the world should she be elected. Here's hoping my predictions come to pass and in November we have wisely elected Donald J. Trump to replace the failed Obama.

I am

JDM PUPLC

Urban Poverty Law Center Urges Left To Consider Contraceptives When Screwing Rush Limbaugh

Surprising what you get if you drag a pack of birth control pills across the commons at Georgetown Law School. Stand back and watch the slut scramble which ensues! By keeping American women constantly concerned about unwanted pregnancy, the conservative males who secretly control the world have kept women from reaching and breaking through the glass ceiling. Everybody at Georgetown Law knows that!

Ever wonder why there has never been a female equivalent to Stalin, Mao, Hitler, or even Rush Limbaugh? The fear of pregnancy. God, in Her infinite wisdom, programmed the sexes to different functions. Woman to bare children and nurture them. Man to hunt, kill, and rule the world. Men are predators, women are prey. The Islamic take on the relationship of the sexes will dominate, because the enlightened ones are not reproducing, and Islamic women know how it was intended to be used. "Go forth and multiply!" not, "Go forth and contracept." was the advice given Adam and Eve.

It is timely advice then and it is true now. The religion of peace will occupy the new Europe by 2050 unless a baby boom ensues. Japan will cease to exist in a hundred years.

The new leaders of the world are using the population bomb to take over. Abortion is the tool which hastens the West's demise. Nations which do not believe in the sanctity of life, especially the unborn, are doomed.

These laws of nature are not always adhered to however. Occasionally, a freak of nature or a "fluke" comes along. Enter the petite Georgetown University Law co-ed, who even with a make-over, and a note from her vet, would place her dead last to leave a DC area bar at closing.

Sandra Kay Flucke, pronounced "Fluke" is a radical feminist who has championed women's reproductive rights since her mother explained the bloody curse which struck her at age 10.

"I have been menstruating monthly for 23 years. Do you know what that is like, Limbaugh? Bleeding from the Who-ha, the bloating, the cramps, the odor? The devil's playground closed for repair? Out of order, irritable and irrational. I wish I were a man! This is why I feel businesses must offer and cover transgender operations to individuals who find themselves trapped inside a body gendered incompatible to their desires. I used the contraceptive shtick to gain a national audience. I am really all about changing the plumbing and my name to Sandy! I don't even like children. They are little and smell funny! If it were up to me I'd place a bounty on them."

"You, Limbaugh, are my ticket to transgender nirvana! I am going to ride you like a rented mule! My candle is lit. My fame is secure! My name will be in the history books along side Margaret Sanger, Gloria Steinem, Amelia Earhart, Susan B. Anthony, Rosa Parks, Madonna, Sacajawea, Pocahontas, Alice the Goon, Monica L., and Sting. Did I mention that I love cats?"

If this tome means anything at all, and it probably doesn't, until Americans view those people who kill American citizens through abortion as evil, our society deserves what it gets. A multicultural society which will balkanize as soon as the lights turn off. I am OK with that. Do blacks know 40% of the 40 million abortees are black?

Four die in Ohio, three thousand at the World Trade Center,tragic as they are, pale to the 40 million aborted American Citizens since Roe V Wade in 1973. Where is the sense of proportion?

Radical feminist are monsters. Abortion as birth control is evil.

In an interesting twist, researchers at Johns Hopkins Medical Center have just announced a simple blood test which will identify any major fetal birth defects including Downs and the other trisomy anomalies, as well as homosexuality. Now straight parents will not have to give birth to a homosexual child. I still do not believe in abortion. The researchers at Johns Hopkins are evil to find a test that discriminates against any unborn child! All life is precious and should be regarded as such no matter, race, religion, sexual identity, political leanings or physical attractiveness, intellect, or body mass index, income, or age.

I celebrate Limbaugh and that slut, what was her name now?

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

Urban Poverty Law Center Urges Maxine Waters To Chill

What happens when the government hates the people as much as the people hate the government? Waco, Ruby Ridge, Tim McVey, Stimulus packages to bail out fat cat bankers and Wall Street trading whores, QE1,2,3?, air travel restricted to those who comply with nudity or fondling by the TSA, and politicians like Representative Maxine Waters, who invited the 46% of Americans who pay her salary via taxes, to take a trip to visit her colleague and master, old Satan himself.

From a representative republic to a unrepresentative Kleptocracy in just over 200 years, the fall of the American way of life is now complete. All that is left is for someone to turn out the lights, and Obama's new EPA regulations against cross state pollution has threatened to do just that. His EPA plans to shutter 1/5 of our nation's coal fired generating plants. Electricity rates will necessarily skyrocket! What a fool!

The Tea Party must pray for relief to the only One Who keeps Maxine Waters and Satan in check. Could the veering off of the latest tropical storm away from Rush Limbaugh in Florida and straight for our vacationing Baritone in Chief on Martha's Vineyard be God's sign that he has not forsaken his little lambs here in America?

Is the grand American experiment in freedom not ending with this most remarkable fluke of presidential politics?

A man only elected by a majority of voters as the anti-Bush, Clinton fatigued, wow a clean well-spoken black man(Joe Biden's take) candidate who could charm the panties off a young Doris Day, and then be just as comfortable wearing them to the pizza parlor on Martha's vineyard, leaving Miss Day to wonder what just happened.

Today, we are all Miss Day. Barack Hussein Obama has all our underwear and we are unsure how this happened without us realizing it. Oh yeah, he promises to give them back, but we must all take a good look at them when we get them back before we try to wear them. Obama promised to fundamentally change America. He did.

He has taken our very foundations, our freedoms, our money, our choices and stolen them like an underwear thief in the night and most of us do not even realize we have gone commando. We are too busy raising families and working two jobs to notice his attack.

Our freedom to choose whether or not to buy medical insurance is gone. He chose to force us to buy it. Our freedom to earn a dollar today and save it secure in the knowledge it will be worth the same in three months let alone in 10 years is gone thanks to his goons at the Federal Reserve Bank and their printing presses.

Our freedom to educate our children with God in the school room has been taken from us with horrifying results. Flash mobs beating and robbing fellow citizens with callous disregard for our shared heritage and the Ten Commandments.

Our vote has been taken by him and his thugs at ACORN and others through voter intimidation and outright fraud. The Tea Party realizes we are back to "taxation without representation"! It pissed us off then and it pisses us off now.

Our borders have been taken from us as have the rights and privileges being a US citizen bestows. Walk across the border, can't speak English, no problemo, can't get a job, no problemo, want to vote even though not a citizen, no problemo!

Well, Mr. Obama, the Tea Party thinks we have a big problemo! And we showed your team what a warm up looked like in 2010. We were just clearing our throats in 2010. You ain't seen nothing yet.

You might as well reserve the moving vans now to haul you and your self-indulgent entourage out of the people's White House, not your house, not the Federal Reserve's house, not the bandits of Wall Street's house, and not Maxine Waters'house. To show you there are no hard feelings, the tea party will even pick up the tab for your move with a generous retirement for the rest of your life. Where, in retirement you can wow your big powerful friends,the titans of treason and the captains of crony-capitalism, making $500,000 a speech, spouting platitudes filled with empty rhetoric about how you almost fundamentally changed America!

It is the Tea Party's White House. We pay for it and we controlled its occupant until you began to steal the power of the vote. Shame on you, you know what you've done. Thief! A low down underwear thief!

Your welcome is waning. Your leadership is reckless. Your timing is out of sync. Anyway watch out for that hurricane. God works in mysterious ways. Pray that others are praying for and not against you. Our God is an awesome God.

Maybe you should attend church this weekend? And perhaps you should take that old sulphur spewing gas bag, Maxine Waters, with you.

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President, Urban Poverty Law Center

"Jack, you hate going to Church." Mother Maybolt, 1922-2008

A note to the SS: Never mind! JDM

Urban Poverty Law Center A Whale of A Proposition

Last evening after perusing my SI Swimsuits Issue, I flipped on the Tele to bore myself to sleep. Animal Planet, not my typical viewing fare, was on. The remote was several feet away on the dresser. I had removed my leg prosthesis and had settled very comfortably into my bed. I decided not to make the one legged leap to retrieve the remote, and to suffer what ever preposterous programing the communist at Animal Planet had to offer, believing sleep would soon rescue me from this attempted brain rape by the Animal Planet programmers.

"Whale Wars" what? Could it be the ocean's mammoths were at war and I did not even know it? This got my attention. As I watched, Captain Paul, who looks an awful lot like an older version of Cedar Grove's own, Mikey MacElroy, who left the area about 15 years ago, after some questions were raised about indecencies he took with a local troop of cub scouts, piloted the "Steve Irwin" all over the South Atlantic. It was in a futile attempt to find and rescue three lost Norwegian Sailors from the Research Vessel, "Berserk".

It was captivating to watch Captain Paul steer the SS Steve Irwin through the frigid waters, narrowly missing bobbing tractor truck sized ice chunks, called "growlers". Named that because of their similarity to hard stools, a common malady of the world's carnivores, hence the growl on passage.

The SS Irwin's all vegetarian crew only pass low volume and environmentally friendly "squitter squirts", a mushy brown liquid with the same consistency as 'figgy puddin', that mysterious desert made popular in that old Christian Christmas tune, "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". It is collected into on board tanks and through some bacteriological chicanery it is converted into propane gas and powers the generators on the "Irwin".

The other crew members are interesting characters. Mostly young, privileged, trust fund monkeys, who, if not off battling windmills in the waters off Antarctica along side Captain Paul, would be inpatients on Step 4 of 12 at the Betty Ford Center In Palm Springs, California for what ever chemical dependency they had this year. Worthless as tits on a bore hog!

Anyway as I watched these dedicated animal lovers search in vain for the three lost "Berserk" crew members I could not help thinking a counter TV series to Whale Wars might get some play on the ESPN Nascar channel.

My inspiration is to raise several millions of dollars and commission a better and faster boat. I would call it the SS Dick Cheney, or the SS Rush Limbaugh. With it I would chase the SS Irwin around the oceans and interfere with their objectives. I would crew it with rednecks and capitalists. I would accept sponsorship from Nascar, the Japanese Whaling Industry, and the Dutch.

I believe the best name of this reality series might be: "The Whale War Wars". Don't get me wrong here. I do not hate whales. I just hate people who are intolerant of people who enjoy a good whale steak from time to time.

If God had not intended whales to be eaten, He would have made them taste more like antelope than cow.

I am Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

"How long do you suppose it will be until some loony group forms PETAP, "People For the Ethical Treatment Of Animals And Plants? Then what would we eat, dirt?" Mother Maybolt, 1926-2008

Seeking Radicals: Urban Poverty Law Center's Intern Logs His Travels

My father watches Fox news and sometimes, when he means to use the word “amazing,” he accidentally says “Rush Limbaugh.”
“Those ‘taters were Rush Limbaugh, Puddin’ Lips!”
Perhaps this contributed to his disapproval of my plan to let Jack Mayboldt and the UPLC sponsor my travels abroad. My mission? To gain a global understanding of poverty and seek political and religious radicals along the way.

In Greece, I found the protesters in Athens to be too mild-mannered for my taste and Syntagma square smelled more of body odor than it did of political dissent. I promptly moved to the black sand beaches of Santorini and the ferry strikes stranded me there for long enough to wonder if those beaches ever felt oppressed by the beaches with white sand.

I knew if I wanted to find some unfriendlies, I had to make it to the middle of Turkey.

The bus steward on my way to Eğirdir had the lıkeness of a Baldwın Brother who was never ıntroduced to a toothbrush. He kept brıngıng me water or goodıes. As a rule, I never know what ıim beıng offered and I always accept. Everythıng has been fıne apart from one bag of crackers that tasted fıne but smelled of farts. Poısonous.

ı had the juıces from a fresh peach drıbblıng down my chın just as ı read ın my guıde book to avoıd the fresh fruıt. 11 hours on a bus wıth no bathroom nearly let me psych myself ınto amoebıc dysentery. ı kept catchıng whıffs of body odor, and gıven my state of dampness, ıt was no doubt comıng from me. ı trıed to use my bıcep to sneakıly scratch my ınhalıng nose, but the results were ınconclusıve Sensory adaptatıon can be a helluvan ally, but ı do not envy my neıghbor (who ı had been afectıonately thınkıng of as ^chınless^). ı had to raıse my left arm up to adjust the a/c. pıt-to-nose. ı pray that Allah was mercıful enough to bless chınless w a head-cold for hıs day of travel.

I was awoken by knees pressing into mine just in time to smell a baby near me shit itself. The leg hog was sitting with spread-eagle thighs, as ıf he was gettıng ready to slıde a thıgh master between them and sweat himself ınto a smaller pant sıze. perhaps he just found ball-on-thıgh contact to be dıspleasıng? no bother for me, for ı have dıscovered a technıque to combat these personal space ınvaders. Rather than cınchıng down my knees ınto ladysıt when they make theır move, I hold my ground at the mıdlıne so our shıns connect. occasıonally, thıs ıs enough, but ıf not, ı begın to slowly pump my leg up and down. Somethıng about the rhythmıc frıctıon between two men encourages them to retreat. ı fınd thıs creep-out technıque to be most effectıve ıf both partıes are wearıng shorts.

When I finally arrived, the call to prayer waıled on. aaaaeeeeeeeeeeoooaaahhhhhhlalalaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. I thought ıt remarkable that ın the tıme that passed between two calls to prayer, ın my heart, ı had commıtted at least 3 of the 7 deadly sıns. What a savage I am!

I made it to someplace, somewhere in Turkey and my mission is progressing nicely, perhaps another update will be in the making.

Jacob (Cob) Maybolt Finkbinder, Traveling Intern, The Urban Poverty Law Center

Cob has lost his mind, his mother kept 376 parokets in the house with one cat. J. Maybolt, President UPLC