In an exclusive one on one interview, Hillary Clinton is adamant she will not accept the nomination for President from a very split and disorganized democrat party.
Barack Hussein Obama's decision not to seek a second term at this late date has thrown the party of Occupy Wall Street, Grifters, and near-do-wells into complete meltdown mode. Reorganized chapters of Acorn will have to throw away the counterfeit ballots bearing his name. A spokesperson for the Acorn affiliates complained they need some lead time to get these ballots right. "This changes everything! We just wasted about a million dollars of taxpayer money, but don't worry we have plenty more where that came from."
Mitt Romney, upon learning of Hillary's decision not to seek her parties nomination, quickly changed his affiliation from lukewarm republican to hot and nasty democrat and is the putative new front runner. A spokesperson for Governor Romney, Plethora Williams, said, "the switch was easy, Mitt only had to flip flop back to his original views on abortion and gun control, leave his national health care policy in place, and wallah! Mitt is a democrat!"
A huge sigh of relief was heard from conservative republican quarters all over the nation. The tea party had an official tea bagging ceremony in which Herman Cain, the current republican party favorite, was allowed to pick any female in the USA and spend 15 minutes alone with her and there would be no questions asked and the lucky woman was sworn to silence! Cheers erupted when Mr. Cain and Ms. Gloria Steinem emerged from their private meeting and the esteemed Ms. Steinem was only wearing Herman's dress white shirt and the dazed look of a young newlywed. Herman Cain looked very sleepy as he exited the aforementioned room in a wife-beater T-shirt and dress pants. Now, against all logic, Ms. Steinem is a huge Herman Cain supporter.
It is not sexual harassment if it is Gloria Steinem. It is an act of mercy as she moved over into the column of women who "don't swell, don't tell, and are grateful as hell" at least a couple of decades ago. The bloom is off the rose is a polite way of describing that situation.
Obama operatives are scrambling to find lobbying jobs before the blush is off his rose. Michelle and the girls are planning an extended holiday jetting off to all the world's hottest locations, while the president hopes to get in a few more rounds of golf before his meal ticket runs out.
In one more surprise move, President Obama pardoned Bernadette Dorn, and William Ayers even though they were never convicted of any wrong doing in their attack against the American people in the late sixties and the seventies. Eric Holder, his embattled attorney general was also granted a presidential pardon as were the entire black Muslims prison population.
January 20, will for now and ever more be known as Black Prisoner Freedom Day, and has been declared a national holiday by presidential executive order. It is hailed as the second emancipation proclamation by some scholars.
Eric Holder, when announcing the program, exclaimed, "It is about time somebody took steps to right the wrongs of a judicial system steeped in 200 years of white racist America. Now if a black brother is incarcerated for any crime, he will only serve until January 20th rolls around at which time, if he has converted to Islam, he will be freed by presidential fiat. This will prove to be by far the most important and significant accomplishment of the Obama presidency."
Just when you thought it could not get any worse, an asteroid the size of George Soros' ego narrowly misses earth. Hey we could use the relief down here!
In other asteroid news, scientists were able to analyze its content and found it was equal parts gold, and diamond. They did this by focusing a beam of light on the fast approaching celestial body and captured the resulting spectrum of energy which was reflected off said asteroid.
Fed chairman Ben Bernanke just shook his head when he learned of the valuable heavenly body and is quoted, "That would have wiped out all our dept if it had only struck earth." Of course there would have been a big fight over who owned the object and this would have caused a bigger world war than the one that will be caused when Iran and Israel take the gloves off later this year."
The mayors of the variously Occupied lands across the country are beginning to get annoyed at the deaths in these camps for the discontented and the homeless. These protesters have had their 15 minutes of fame and need to take the party else where.
The sooner these people realize they have been lied to all their lives and accept that life is just a series of disjointed setbacks and major disappointments and not the MTV version, then they can get on with spending what time they have left more productively.
Like getting a job and paying off those student loans they wasted on beer and pizza and a couple of trips to Cancun, Mexico for spring break.
Where is my bling? Why can't I sing? It's yo thing, do what you wanna do! But do it somewhere else where we do not have to look at you and people in the next tent are not waking up dead.
Do you suppose these Occupy idiots realize they are easy marks for what ever new secret biological the spooks want to test on the more unproductive segment of our society? Spread out or die of the newest government developed OWS flu, asshats!
Doubters will be coughing up large segments of their lungs by next week. I do not agree with the wholesale slaughter of our citizens, but I can see the governments point. They have to do what is in their best interest, survival of the fittest. Darwin, yeah, it is all we have in a Godless society. I can live with that.
Hey, you don't see or hear me complaining. Or do you?
Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center
I tried to insult as many people in this latest effort as possible, how'd I do? jdm
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