Last evening after perusing my SI Swimsuits Issue, I flipped on the Tele to bore myself to sleep. Animal Planet, not my typical viewing fare, was on. The remote was several feet away on the dresser. I had removed my leg prosthesis and had settled very comfortably into my bed. I decided not to make the one legged leap to retrieve the remote, and to suffer what ever preposterous programing the communist at Animal Planet had to offer, believing sleep would soon rescue me from this attempted brain rape by the Animal Planet programmers.
"Whale Wars" what? Could it be the ocean's mammoths were at war and I did not even know it? This got my attention. As I watched, Captain Paul, who looks an awful lot like an older version of Cedar Grove's own, Mikey MacElroy, who left the area about 15 years ago, after some questions were raised about indecencies he took with a local troop of cub scouts, piloted the "Steve Irwin" all over the South Atlantic. It was in a futile attempt to find and rescue three lost Norwegian Sailors from the Research Vessel, "Berserk".
It was captivating to watch Captain Paul steer the SS Steve Irwin through the frigid waters, narrowly missing bobbing tractor truck sized ice chunks, called "growlers". Named that because of their similarity to hard stools, a common malady of the world's carnivores, hence the growl on passage.
The SS Irwin's all vegetarian crew only pass low volume and environmentally friendly "squitter squirts", a mushy brown liquid with the same consistency as 'figgy puddin', that mysterious desert made popular in that old Christian Christmas tune, "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". It is collected into on board tanks and through some bacteriological chicanery it is converted into propane gas and powers the generators on the "Irwin".
The other crew members are interesting characters. Mostly young, privileged, trust fund monkeys, who, if not off battling windmills in the waters off Antarctica along side Captain Paul, would be inpatients on Step 4 of 12 at the Betty Ford Center In Palm Springs, California for what ever chemical dependency they had this year. Worthless as tits on a bore hog!
Anyway as I watched these dedicated animal lovers search in vain for the three lost "Berserk" crew members I could not help thinking a counter TV series to Whale Wars might get some play on the ESPN Nascar channel.
My inspiration is to raise several millions of dollars and commission a better and faster boat. I would call it the SS Dick Cheney, or the SS Rush Limbaugh. With it I would chase the SS Irwin around the oceans and interfere with their objectives. I would crew it with rednecks and capitalists. I would accept sponsorship from Nascar, the Japanese Whaling Industry, and the Dutch.
I believe the best name of this reality series might be: "The Whale War Wars". Don't get me wrong here. I do not hate whales. I just hate people who are intolerant of people who enjoy a good whale steak from time to time.
If God had not intended whales to be eaten, He would have made them taste more like antelope than cow.
I am Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center
"How long do you suppose it will be until some loony group forms PETAP, "People For the Ethical Treatment Of Animals And Plants? Then what would we eat, dirt?" Mother Maybolt, 1926-2008
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