Pray For Jack Maybolt: Feline Leukemia No Longer In Remission; Mind Is Slipping!

I am writing you from my cage at the Huntingdon Animal Clinic where I have been kenneled for the past week. Susan Blunderdoss, my secretary, and only employee found me spending too much time in the litter box and called the vet who arranged for my admission to the animal clinic. Diarrhea, weight loss, and an unnatural craving to watch republican presidential candidate's debate reruns has taken its toll. I am a broken man.

I dreamt Herman Cain pulled out of the primary after the girlfriends became more and more credible and he became less and less credible. Hey, it is ok to be a man, even womanizers are within the bell shaped curve of normal, but out there on the far fringes. But, hey, if as what my mother said about women weren't true, the Herman Cains of the world would not get into so much mischief. He would have no one to play with, you see?

But, sadly, there are enough good girls out there who are willing to play around with a powerful man to keep the powerful men occupied for well up into and beyond the viagra years! Can anyone say Bill Clinton? Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough to engage in sexual activity.

Hell, my doctor will find out I was not healthy enough to when he reads my obituary. I feel like it is in my best interest to be the first and last to know that secret. Saddle up! Ride em, cowboy!

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich, who garnered millions of dollars in consulting fees from gov coffers, with his golden advice to the criminals in DC, has become the latest republican poster child for the "anyone but Mitt" contingency. A contingency made up of Tea Party patriots who see Mitt Romney as the media's choice to oppose their "Golden Boy", Barack Hussein Obama in next years election.

Mitt takes the Obama Care bullet off the table and would, it seems, be easier to beat than even a freakish Cerberus-like candidate headed by Bob Dole, John McCain, and Sarah Palin. And, as a bonus, should Mitt Romney be elected he could rightfully claim to be the first woman president in much the same way Bill Clinton was proclaimed the first Black president. Could a man named Willard be elected President? Even Millard Filmore's parents new better.

Obama Care, all your health care needs, and more of less for everybody with a fee scale at which your doctor will stop practicing and go into politics where more idlers are found than in any other profession.

And speaking of idlers:

The great loafer queen from Massachusetts, B. Frank, has announced he will not seek a 33rd year in office. Can you say "Rat abandoning ship?" For thirty-two years he has caused mischief with his Freddie and Fanny banking legislation and does not want his sullied seat to fall into republican hands next year as surely it would. The mood is nasty bad for incumbents who have led the destruction of the dollar and the raid on the treasury. I will miss his mouth of marbles surly rantings against conservative taxpayers everywhere who disagree with his progressive vision of "my way or the highway!"

I hear he has signed a big contract with the Massengil Corporation which plans to push a scented enema/douche for men who would try it if not for, you know.

The folks at Massengil have already landed a big navy contract. I am no Jack Crammer, but Massengil, MasDouche, nasdq is a strong buy and hold(for best results) as I see it. I have seen some of the pre-marketing literature and the names are awesome.

PooftaFume, BungNectar, RearGuard,(sure to be a big hit in the armed services) HineyMusk, CracknFresh, GayBalm, FagRance, A-Roses, ButtERkup, and my personal favorite, KweerCologne.

For those with larger receivers they even plan to include a bit of alum to tighten things up a little. The march to decadence continues. Armageddon, is that you? Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sex, especially if he/she looks to be having a bad day.

JD Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

"That ain't right!" Mother Maybolt, 1927-2008

Urban Poverty Law Center Condemns Health Panel Unit Reduction Plans

A neurosurgeon reported that the HHS has determined American Citizens who reach and exceed the age of 70 will no longer be afforded neurosurgical interventions for head bleeds from aneurysms or other sources of bleeding. These aged citizens are referred to as units once they hit the golden years. Units over 70 will be offered comfort care only.

UPLC suggests all my followers who are approaching the golden unit years must immediately see President Obama's birth certificate designer/creator and shave at least 10 years off your age! I am only 48 as of today. How old are you?

Get your birth certificate changed immediately.

I know a judge who will change your age legally for about a hundred dollars.

Email me if you need to have a legal age reduction. Don't wait, your life depends upon it.

Welcome to Government Run Healthcare brought to you by the same people who brought you Waco and Fast and Furious.

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

If Columbia Broadcast Syncophants Turn Against Congress's Corruption UPLC Can Take A Vacation With The Obamas

Believe it. I have a couple of very liberal friends who up until a week or so ago believed only the republicans were big business friendly money grubbing criminals. Now my favorite pal has turned on Nasty Pelosi because of her unflattering appearance on 60 minutes. The 60 minutes, a formerly hard hitting news show, which was famous for rooting out any corruption, be it in or outside of the US Government.

Before this latest look at Congressional insider trading perks, I could not convince my friend that both sides of the isle were filthy corrupt. I supported republicans only because they seemed to tax fewer of my income dollars than the multimedia supported whores of the democrat party.

Media yawned when Hillary Clinton turned a $1000 investment in cattle futures into a $100,000 gain in a year, back when a hundred grand would buy you a nice chunk of a Whitewater River side property.

More yawns when Franklin Raines and the low level dip shit woman at Justice, who is famous for setting up communication barriers between the federal super-agencies so the plotters of nein-eleven slipped through the spook traps, Jamie Gorelick?, her name slips my mind, but she knows who she is, took millions from the Freddie and Fannie Federal Money Laundering Scam!

And maybe 60-Minutes will take a closer look now that even the evil republicans are feeding at the treasure trough of governmental largess. Newt Gingrich's millions in consultation fees from Fred and Fanny and medicare? It just don't pass the smell test as we like to say here in the South.

Maybe somebody in control of CBS woke up and said, "Shit, these bastards are corrupt, behaving without morals or scruples! Selling the country our grandfathers fought and died for on the battlefields of World War II, and we are going to lose everything
if something is not done to right this ship!"

The rule of law died in America on the federal level some time ago. The majority of Americans are just waking up to it. The Tea Party is the rustling of the group of Americans who are still moral in their dealings with each other and have a strong belief in God. The Tea Party has been ridiculed as that great unwashed mass in fly-over country, who cling to their guns and bibles. By the way, guns keep you safe in this life and the bible will save you in the next. I suggest you look into that, especially the second one.

The Tea Party started the process of rooting out the corrupt pols in congress in 2010, and are coming for many more in 2012 and beyond.

Are there enough of us left to affect the cleansing which should be and must be taken to Washington? Barack Obama is not to blame, he is just the last of the hollow men to occupy the presidency, at a bad time in history. The financial house of cards began to fall on W's watch. The balance struck in nature between host (read American tax payer) and parasite (read federal government) has tipped dangerously against host and now the Tea Party is a sign Americans every where are sickened by what our government has become, a bloated, criminal, out of control thugocracy, where the next set of thugs (Baby Clinton) are being groomed to keep the thuggery in the family. Welcome to NBC News, Chelsea! I hear the Obama girls have been offered a show on MTV good until they are 21 at which time they will be appointed governors of the New York Federal Reserve Bank and sit on the boards of GE and Google!

Ain't no nepotism like governmental nepotism, right Al Gore, Newt, Solyndra, and many more yet undiscovered!

They openly raid the Treasury, aided by a compliant Federal Reserve Bank which is in on the ponzi scheme. The democrats are hoping they can divert America's attention with the shenanigans of the useful idiots at occupy what ever street, but time keeps on ticking into the future. A future without corruption?

We are one step closer to a cleaned up United States of America when venerable old media like CBS will take the baby steps necessary to shine a light on the cockroach culture of congress and its criminality.

Just maybe I will tune into 60 minutes again after I quit them 21 years ago when they stopped reporting the news and tried to be the news.

Exposing Nasty Pelosi for the evil greedy sell-out she is, is a step closer to representative government, or has our culture sunk to a level where we are all Nasty Pelosi.

Time will tell, or will they?

Seriously, if Time and Newsweek (is it still in print?) start reporting on the story, the gig is up!

When Nasty Pelosi has lost Jack Maybolt's confidence, it is not a problem. Jack is a right winger. But when Nasty Pelosi loses my liberal pal, it is a big problem. Now he views her to be as corrupt as he feels the republicans are.

The Liberation of America can't be far off. Let us see if Washington can manage to get the genie back into the bottle, un-ring that bell, or will they attempt to throw the nation into chaos by having their union thugs riot in the streets and ruff up and kill a few commoners in an effort to hang on to power in a diversionary move.

My proposal is to offer any pol who is guilty of crimes against the American people amnesty this year only. If they admit their crimes and rat out their handlers, they can take what ever they have and keep the generous pensions, but they must not run for office again, or become a lobbyist.

If after the take over of congress by Tea Party backed members, hearing are held and they are found to be corrupt, they lose everything. Jail time with Bernie and soon Jon Corzine. I suspect many in congress will announce plans not to seek re-election next year.

The ship is sinking and the rats know it.

What took you so long 60-Minutes? We were not watching you because you stopped watching them. You let us down.

Ready, set, REPORT! Tick-tick-tick-tick-tick.................

I am Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

Urban Poverty Law Center Trims Government's Budget Painlessly

The congressional super committee is full of dolts. A room full of third graders in Singapore could fairly quickly balance a budget of 3.6 trillion dollars of a 120 billion dollar underfunding of this whopping 3.3% short fall by taking a deficit reduction charge against each check the US government and its agents print.

Congressional pay and slush funds to run their offices cut by 3.3%. President Obama's generous $400,000 per year salary reduced by a meager $13,200 per year to give him some skin in the game. Each $100 dollars in benefits would be dunned for a whopping $3.30, the cost of a nice Starbucks Latte, or even a gallon of regular unleaded gasoline.

Come on congress find your courage, if you can't eliminate waste by shearing off unnecessary programs and graft, then cut them all equally. Who can complain about that?

You're all a spineless bunch of do-nothings. Who is giving you your marching orders?
I suspect you will hear from the real owners of this nation next November when you are out looking for a lobbying job that pays better than the gig you just pissed away because you lacked the courage to do what was right for the country.

Pathetic! It is not rocket science, it is accounting, 101. If you geniuses in congress get in a bind, I'll bet the 3 grade Singapore students would be more than willing to help you fellows out.

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President, Urban Poverty Law Center

UPLC: How To Slow Cook A Turkey

I was in the local Walmart picking up kitty litter, dog food, and hair spray for my niece, the one who was gonna fix Mitt Romney's hair if he had made it to the First Cedar Grove Republican Presidential Candidates Debate, but he didn't show, when a complete stranger came up and asked me for directions.

"How does one slow cook a turkey?"

She was a handsome woman. I took her to be shy, but nigh forty. Her features were symmetric, her nose with the slightest Bob Hope "hook", otherwise she was flawless.
Her dentures were spotless and glistened when she smiled. She smiled a lot, because the only lines on her face were her smile lines. Her face was framed by thick auburn hair which flowed comfortably to her shoulders. Like her dentures her hair shouted "clean enough the eat off!" Her lips were full and round, and almost "pouty" when first I noticed.

Her neck was taut and tanned. The kind of tan one would get playing tennis or taking long hikes out in nature, you know, out in the sunshine. Not a tan from hard labor outside. The muscles of her arms and legs were well defined, not freakish like those steroid pumped body building trollops in the magazines, just right.

Her look shouted, "Perfect, perfect, you will agree, I am perfect!"

I am not exaggerating when I say that is an understatement.

Her neck appeared to be velvety smooth, and did not give her age away. It was a nice neck. Her clothing hung seductively off her shoulders and took nothing away from her full breasts. Her display of cleavage was ample and at the same time tasteful. Her skin was alabaster and her eyes were black as coals.

And those eyes, when they looked at you, her striking beauty caused you pause. I had to look away so my eyes would not betray the lust I felt for her, a total stranger. I felt color and heat rising up in my face. She will know what is in my heart. Lust, bible burning lust, the take a chance in hell kinda lust. The kind of lust a man may never feel in a lifetime, but feels cheated if he is incapable of this kind of raw passion.

I hoped she did not know I wanted her, real bad, in that Walmart. Me with a basket of kitty litter, hair spray, and dog food. I was thankful I had not picked up my Depends under things as they were way over in the diaper section. I thought I had enough at home if I was careful and limited my fluids for the next couple of days.

Her legs were tanned and tight, not a vein out of place. No blemishes either. Her tight fitting cargo pants outlined her petit yet ample backside and her sweater tapered and clung to her compact waist. Her over all appearance brought Lindsay Lohan to mind, but without the stupid. I was smitten.

"Pardon me, I did not mean to stare. But you remind me so much of my cousin, Clotiel. Why you could be her twin sister!"

"I have been told that a lot. Not specifically your cousin, but other people around the country."

"It is easy, set the oven for 350 and bake it one half hour for every 2 pounds. A twenty pound bird will take about 5 hours. I hope that helps."

"Thank you. You are a dear!"

I sigh as she turns to depart, realizing I would be needing those Depends after all.

My lust was all bluster and no bone. I was all hat and no cattle. My humiliation was made complete as I watched her walk clean to the meat section where she turned and flashed me that smile and waved. I managed a feeble wave back.

How did she know I would still be looking?

I am such an ass.

Pretty Women can do that to a man.

Jackson Delano Maybolt President, Urban Poverty Law Center

There Is Nothing New In Newt:UPLC Warning States To Prepare Now

Neutron Bombs were removed from the US nuclear arsenal in the 1980's when some liberal pantywaist learned these weapons exploded and released gads of radiation killing men, women, and children indiscriminately without destroying the infrastructure. These weapons were quickly outlawed so now only outlaws have them.

Newt Gingrich has exploded onto the GOP scene, taking out Mitt Romney, a pantywaist, Herman Cain, an accused panty groper, and Michelle Bachmann, a person of interest. But there is nothing New in Newt Gingrich. He should never be considered a viable candidate for the American Tea Party.

Newt is an insider. Of course, the media will try to feign an all out attack against him, but this will only be a ruse. He will be welcomed with open arms by the media and the Washington elites.

Newt Gingrich has taken a Freddie Mac money whack which is a political slush fund, where politicians and their well connected friends take turns legally raiding the US Treasury to steal from the American taxpayer. Foul! I cry foul, and this is the tip of the corrupt iceberg in Washington.

"I am the CEO of a quasi banking/lending conglomerate and deserve millions in bonuses like we see down on Wall Street."

Disgusting! You are a thief and the corrupt system is your enabler.

If Chelsea Clinton had not landed that big job with NBC, I fully expected her to consult for the Mac's for a high six figure salary. She may still need this sort of work to keep her in the chips and as a player. At least she has a graduate degree from the London School of Economics and could perhaps make some recommendations which may stem the losses over there at Mr and Mrs F.(the taxpayer) Mac. Was Chelsea tired of going down on the titans of business in her interviews? Well, she is connected and by birthright is more than qualified to line up to take her turn drawing deep swigs from the public trough. She has lived in public housing most of her life.

Back to New Newt. The Tea Party will not be fooled by this professional politician who was most popular when he countered a president who popularized casual oral sex at the office. The stain was barely dry on the blue dress when the Contract with America was broken. Of its ten or so points, only a couple were ever taken to the bank. But it was only a small set back to the evil elements that have been drawn into the government, like organized crime, payoffs to the Nation of Islam, payoffs to Acorn, and payoffs to the military industrial complex and the Federal Reserve bank.

Tea Party members did not pay much attention to these "business as usual" events until the dolts running the asylum pushed the payoffs beyond the limits of reasonable and customary. Now the past three years have seen our national debt climb by a third by ramping up the payola, five trillion dollars and climbing! The focus is on the payola. It will be really, really hard to get that genie back into the bottle.

I propose we, Tea Party Patriots, give the election process another try, but if things continue to spiral out of control, we must be prepared to dissolve our contract with our current criminal ruling class and be prepared to govern ourselves.

The Declaration of Independence was against the world's super power in its day, and there is no reason a similar declaration could not be made against a failing and broken system in our near future. Like minded sovereign states need to prepare now for the failure of the United States government, which will likely fall due to the coming world financial meltdown.

It will be a nasty time, but like minded people will be able to band together and protect life and liberty and our cream will rise to the top again.

Things will revert to barter when the full faith and credit of our nation is lost.
We have bartered before money was invented and we will become masters at it again.

Where did Newt go in this essay? Back to insignificance, where he belongs because he will be a "Warshington" business as usual (read corrupt)pol if we elect this insider president.

Newt Gingrich, he talks the talk, but he will not walk the walk.

Time for Tea to meet and put contingency plans in effect to be ready to hit the ground running when the great collapse comes. State and local governments will be our best places to start. The corruption is on a much smaller scale here locally. States must be ready to control any military and munitions stores in their jurisdictions so they do not fall into the wrong hands. They should be ready to monetize a state currency when the dollar fails. Trade must continue undisturbed by the hiccup the fall of Washington will entail.

The times they are a changing. I, as the mayor of Cedar Grove, will have a meeting of the Committee to Support the New Republic this week. I will put up the minutes of this meeting so other communities around the country will have a blueprint to follow.

I suggest we make inquiries to Argentina and the USSR about how they weathered their most recent failures. This wheel has already been invented. Our goals must be freedom, private property rights, and commerce for the good of the people, and a strong rule of law. The US Constitution and its original bill of rights may be a great starting point. Yeah?

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President, Urban Poverty Law Center

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. This way no one is surprised or disappointed.

Hillary Clinton On Why She Will Not Accept Dem Pres Bid In 2012

In an exclusive one on one interview, Hillary Clinton is adamant she will not accept the nomination for President from a very split and disorganized democrat party.

Barack Hussein Obama's decision not to seek a second term at this late date has thrown the party of Occupy Wall Street, Grifters, and near-do-wells into complete meltdown mode. Reorganized chapters of Acorn will have to throw away the counterfeit ballots bearing his name. A spokesperson for the Acorn affiliates complained they need some lead time to get these ballots right. "This changes everything! We just wasted about a million dollars of taxpayer money, but don't worry we have plenty more where that came from."

Mitt Romney, upon learning of Hillary's decision not to seek her parties nomination, quickly changed his affiliation from lukewarm republican to hot and nasty democrat and is the putative new front runner. A spokesperson for Governor Romney, Plethora Williams, said, "the switch was easy, Mitt only had to flip flop back to his original views on abortion and gun control, leave his national health care policy in place, and wallah! Mitt is a democrat!"

A huge sigh of relief was heard from conservative republican quarters all over the nation. The tea party had an official tea bagging ceremony in which Herman Cain, the current republican party favorite, was allowed to pick any female in the USA and spend 15 minutes alone with her and there would be no questions asked and the lucky woman was sworn to silence! Cheers erupted when Mr. Cain and Ms. Gloria Steinem emerged from their private meeting and the esteemed Ms. Steinem was only wearing Herman's dress white shirt and the dazed look of a young newlywed. Herman Cain looked very sleepy as he exited the aforementioned room in a wife-beater T-shirt and dress pants. Now, against all logic, Ms. Steinem is a huge Herman Cain supporter.

It is not sexual harassment if it is Gloria Steinem. It is an act of mercy as she moved over into the column of women who "don't swell, don't tell, and are grateful as hell" at least a couple of decades ago. The bloom is off the rose is a polite way of describing that situation.

Obama operatives are scrambling to find lobbying jobs before the blush is off his rose. Michelle and the girls are planning an extended holiday jetting off to all the world's hottest locations, while the president hopes to get in a few more rounds of golf before his meal ticket runs out.

In one more surprise move, President Obama pardoned Bernadette Dorn, and William Ayers even though they were never convicted of any wrong doing in their attack against the American people in the late sixties and the seventies. Eric Holder, his embattled attorney general was also granted a presidential pardon as were the entire black Muslims prison population.

January 20, will for now and ever more be known as Black Prisoner Freedom Day, and has been declared a national holiday by presidential executive order. It is hailed as the second emancipation proclamation by some scholars.

Eric Holder, when announcing the program, exclaimed, "It is about time somebody took steps to right the wrongs of a judicial system steeped in 200 years of white racist America. Now if a black brother is incarcerated for any crime, he will only serve until January 20th rolls around at which time, if he has converted to Islam, he will be freed by presidential fiat. This will prove to be by far the most important and significant accomplishment of the Obama presidency."

Just when you thought it could not get any worse, an asteroid the size of George Soros' ego narrowly misses earth. Hey we could use the relief down here!

In other asteroid news, scientists were able to analyze its content and found it was equal parts gold, and diamond. They did this by focusing a beam of light on the fast approaching celestial body and captured the resulting spectrum of energy which was reflected off said asteroid.

Fed chairman Ben Bernanke just shook his head when he learned of the valuable heavenly body and is quoted, "That would have wiped out all our dept if it had only struck earth." Of course there would have been a big fight over who owned the object and this would have caused a bigger world war than the one that will be caused when Iran and Israel take the gloves off later this year."

The mayors of the variously Occupied lands across the country are beginning to get annoyed at the deaths in these camps for the discontented and the homeless. These protesters have had their 15 minutes of fame and need to take the party else where.
The sooner these people realize they have been lied to all their lives and accept that life is just a series of disjointed setbacks and major disappointments and not the MTV version, then they can get on with spending what time they have left more productively.
Like getting a job and paying off those student loans they wasted on beer and pizza and a couple of trips to Cancun, Mexico for spring break.

Where is my bling? Why can't I sing? It's yo thing, do what you wanna do! But do it somewhere else where we do not have to look at you and people in the next tent are not waking up dead.

Do you suppose these Occupy idiots realize they are easy marks for what ever new secret biological the spooks want to test on the more unproductive segment of our society? Spread out or die of the newest government developed OWS flu, asshats!

Doubters will be coughing up large segments of their lungs by next week. I do not agree with the wholesale slaughter of our citizens, but I can see the governments point. They have to do what is in their best interest, survival of the fittest. Darwin, yeah, it is all we have in a Godless society. I can live with that.

Hey, you don't see or hear me complaining. Or do you?

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

I tried to insult as many people in this latest effort as possible, how'd I do? jdm

UPLC In Close Relationship With IAEA: Advice to Iran

The International Atomic Energy Association, IAEA, has briefed the Urban Poverty Law Center, UPLC, on its investigation into Iran's nuclear program specifically as it relates to arms development.

We, here at UPLC, were surprised to learn of Iran's work and rapid progress towards a viable nuclear bomb as it pertains to miniaturization. The Iranians are seeking a nuclear weapon which will only leave a foot print of 263 x 71 miles, which is purely by coincidence the exact dimensions of the State of Israel.

Mockmood Afterdinnerjob, the spokesperson for the Iranian Atomic Energy Association, IAEA, denies there is any connection with these facts. He went on to ask if the IAEA would report on the nuclear arms readiness of the United States of America.
After his request was wrongly routed to the Iranian IAEA, instead of the International IAEA, I was given the duty to report back to them. I did a quick google search and my report follows.

My non classified research yielded 71,000 nuclear weapons manufactured by the US since the inception of the program during World War II. They are mated to 10 different delivery systems, and not all 71,000 of these are active, only about 9,600 are ready for deployment, the rest have been retired or are being held in reserve, in case the first 9,600 salvos miss the mark. My contacts at the Defence Department assure me the weapons will get the job done, no matter the mission. "Large or small
we can break them all!" Is the motto at the nuclear weapons division.

Garrison Kiellor, not his real name, was my contact at the DOD nuclear weapons division. My curiosity was piqued by the large or small claim and I shot him the following question: "What if I had a really bad bedbug infestation? Do you have something for this?"

"Jack, we have something that will only take out a 4ft by 6ft area in the miniaturized neutron bomb's division. It will only kill life forms and the mattress is usable immediately after the smoke clears. It is fantastic!"

I followed up with this: "What do you suppose it would cost for you fellows to bring one out to the farm and give me a demonstration, not that I have a problem with bed bugs or anything?"

"Jack last time we used one of these weapons, Michelle Obama had brought some of these little hitchhikers back from one of her many trips to Africa. Now as you may or may not know the Africanized bedbug is an aggressive biter, who will often bite and inject its anticoagulant just for shear meanness. European and Asian bedbugs only bite once to feed and if you are going to share your bed with only one of these pests, the European, followed by the Asian, and last and least desirable is the Africanized units. They have a particularly nasty disposition and have been secretly found to pass the aids virus in their secretions."

"Oops! I can not believe I just said that. I meant to say there is no risk of aids even though they bite multiple partners and spread what ever is in the blood streams to whom ever they strike." Strike the statement and do not use it in your reporting, please. Can I interest you in some homemade soup? My mother sent it from my home out on the prarrie in Minnesota."

"Of course. I would love to try some but only if your will be my companion and join me at the dinner table where we can share a few stories and a good time."

We moved our location to the DoD lunch room and began our meal. It was the best soup I had ever had.

"What ever became of the infestation at the White House?"

"Do you recall when the large tarp was draped over the White House late last year?"

"Yes."

"That was no ordinary tarp, it was there to keep the scattered neutrino's from escaping the White House sleeping quarters. We lit one of these small neutron bombs off and thankfully, it had the desired effect. No more bed bugs!"

"Will these ever be commercially available?"

"Jack, these are very expensive. The expense would give pause to even Bill Gates or Warren Buffett."

"One last question, Garrison. What do you think would be the result of a shooting war between Iran and the United States?"

"United States-1, the Peoples Republic of Iran-0."

"Are you certain?"

"Yes, quite certain. We are still a nation lead by RWM and these are the most vile and ruthless of all the races. Sure the Arab and the Persian will carve your head off with a grin as your blood rushes out of your head and body, but the RWM will think nothing of lighting a nuke and vaporizing millions in an instant. Tell me who wins this one?"

We finished our soup and I fired off a letter to the Iranian head of the IAEA, Mockmood Afterdinnerjob, and beseeched him not to pursue this folly any further.
I will share his reply if he has time to make one. Things are rapidly spinning out of control.

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

RWM=Richwhitemen

Herman Cain, Testosterone Plus Ethanol, Equals Testosterol

Apparently, gasoline is not the only substance made less effective by the addition of ethanol, CH3CH2OH, or C2H6O for you chemists. Testosterone is converted into testosterol with the addition of even small quantities of alcohol. It clouds ones judgement and makes even the homeliest maiden appear to be a beauty queen suitable for breeding.

I have heard all my life the following truism, which is I believe, a quote from Mother Teressa: "Were it not for alcohol and parties, none of us would have been born." Sometimes the only way the sexes can tolerate one another is through that old magic called the totty!

If you do not believe me, take a trip to Wal-mart and look at some of the hags who are dragging two or three little children around. Check the shopping cart, there will be some beer in every one of them. Old men need viagra, and young men saddled with human hogzillas require alcohol. God invented alcohol so even the ugliest women would procreate.

I would invite Stephen Hawkin to argue against the existence of God with what I have just disclosed. No amount of chin drool or staring out at the world through that large right eye will convince me otherwise.

I quote Herman Cain's accuser, Sharon Bialek, of Chicago. She had a pediatrician boyfriend 15 yrs ago when she alleges Herman Cain, in the car, "placed his hands under my dress and reached for my genitals (why does Ms. Bialek have more than one genital, is she an hermaphrodite?) and with his third hand? tried to pull my head towards his crotch."

Admittedly, it has been a time since I was with a woman in a car, but I was never nimble enough to reach for the hair trap with more than one hand, and to have to pull the object of my attention toward my crotch rocket by the head, while maintaining my grope on the honey pot, I would have to fold the poor darling nearly in half.

Finally, gentlemen, and I do use the term loosely, it is called foreplay, and romance. For God's sake. Kiss them first, if they recoil and rebuff your move, save yourself the humiliation and take her home. Do not be fooled into thinking if I can just fold this one in half by the crotch and the head, she will come to like me as much as I like myself.

There is a hogzilla out there for everybody. Get yourself a six pack of beer. Happy hunting my sons! Take it slow and easy.

Jackson Delano Maybolt, Smarter and better looking than Stephen Hawkin after a shower, president, Urban Poverty Law Center

Urban Poverty Law Center Loses Bid for John Lennon's Molar

Sotheby's Auction House placed the only known surviving tooth of the famed former Beatle, John Lennon, on the block and it fetched $31,000 this past week. It is claimed a Canadian dentist took the remarkable dental artifact with his winning bid. A spokesman for the famous British auctioneers are reportedly in contact with Lennon's widow, Yoko Ono, making final negotiations for the sale of Sean Lennon, one of only two known offspring sired by the famous pop star.

Sotheby's spokesperson, Bridgette Lacy Cornwallace-Colanspasm, great-great granddaughter of the Grand Duke and Duchess of Derbanshire, Colonel Reginald and Buffy Cornwallace-Colanspasm, who are credited with introducing cricket and croquette into India and inventing the first all cotton adult diaper, indicates the negotiations are going well, but Yoko wants to start the bidding at 100,000 pounds, which may put off some bidders for young Master "Sean Rennon" as Yoko refers to him. Word on the street in London is Yoko will have her way. She always does.

In a related development, Ringo Starr, has offered Sotheby's his bellybutton lint collection which he has fastidiously kept squirreled away in a secret drawer in his flat in London.

"If Johnny's rotten molar fetched that kind of money, there outta be a quid or two for me in me bellybutton lint." The affable former Beatle drummer is quoted as saying with an earnest twinkle in his left eye.

Former Beatle, George Harrison, could not be reached for comment.

Paul McCartney, just back from his honeymoon, when asked about the Lennon tooth, stepped back for a moment then came out with one of the best lines for a song ever.

"What can you say about John Lennon's tooth that hasn't already been said? From the looks of that hideous molar it was definitely his sweet tooth. I'm glad a dentist got it. It needs a crown. Give teeth a chance. Peace"

In a personal note, I will offer the holder of M. Gadhafi's golden gun one thousand dollars cash for this one of a kind weapon.
Please contact me at this address if you are willing to take my offer. There is some wiggle room on that price. I will pay for shipping and handling. If it is bloody, do not wash it, gold will not pit.

Jack Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center

I saw the Beatles in 1966 in Memphis, since then my life has been an endless series of setbacks and disappointments! jdm

2012 Elections Already Determined: Republicans Win It All!

Occupy Wall Street will assure a Republican sweep of the elections next year.

When Abbey Hoffmann and the weather underground disrupted the democrat national convention in Chicago in 1968, the Tea Party was watching as contemporaries to such criminals as Bernadette (whose father wanted a boy really bad) Dorn and her slimy life's mate, Puke Willieman, formerly of the University of Chicago.

These Tea Partier parents did the only logical thing when faced with the lawlessness and disorder of these drug addled youths. They elected Richard Nixon president because he was deemed more of a law and order fellow than that lovable, little, dimpled, dumpling of a man, Hubert Horatio Humphrey, jr (D.) Minnesota.

Nixon cracked down on the yippies and Bernie and Puke hid out until it was safe to come out again. If Nixon's attorney general had captured these two, they may have gotten the M. Gadhafi treatment. Again it is comforting to know that punishment is meted out here in America based on one's status: trust funded monkeys in the short line to freedom on the left, all others back into your cells.

The OWS movement does not have the numbers to affect change at the ballot box, hence the acts of civil unrest. The Squeaky Fromme gets the grease as they say.

I will bet the republican who portrays him or herself as the most pro law and order (LnO) candidate will get the nod for the nomination.

Herman Cain is a forceful, no nonsense leader who could be the LnO nominee.

Newt Gingrich is an adult and could be seen taking these OWS malcontents to task.

Michele Bachmann, she is too beautiful and many of us would love a spanking from her.
LnO breaks against her chances for the nomination, but she might pull it off.

Rick Perry, still possible as a strong LnO candidate.

Rick Santorum, no gravitas when LnO is considered.

Mitt Romney, only slightly more formidable in the LnO arena than Michele. Milk toast sprinkled with dillweed. I doubt Mitt can even get his dog to listen to him.
Mitt is missing the alpha gene. You can't hide that from a dog. Mitt and Barack share this leadership flaw with Jimmy Carter and Billy Clinton.

Not to belabor the point, but if a good dog won't listen to you, you don't need to be president or running for president. A dog will not lie. It is not in them.

Bottom line: A Republican sweep is assured. Take that to the bank. Good-bye Obama.
Good-bye OWS protesters. Hello constitutional law and order. Play by and follow the rules or get back into your spider holes until the next useless idiot is elected president which probably will not be in your lifetimes!

The Tea Party gets it. You are coming in loud and clear! T-minus 12 months and counting.

Jack Maybolt, President
Urban Poverty Law Center

Urban Poverty Law Center On High Alert: The Muslims Are Coming!

Trouble is a brewing if professional cricket players are getting hard time for shaving points in cricket competition and Jon Corzine cooks the books for millions in MF Global and he is expected to receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. It is refreshing to know punishments are still meted out here in the Western world relative to ones status. As the old American Express Card ad puts it, "Wealth has its privilege."

A Muslim woman in Malaysia is catching flack for writing a book extolling the virtues of keeping husbands sexually gratified. Is she serious? This will set the women at NOW, the National Organization For Women, on fire. The book is very graphic with sections on "wearing a hijab without panties", and "sex and prayer, is 5 times a day too much"? I am sure this book will be on every Muslim man's Christmas list for his wives! I wonder how or if the wives will share a book or if the husband will have to buy a copy for each?

Now that Libyan strong man Colonel M. Gadhafi has been sodomized with a utility knife and executed with his golden gun, Adolf Hitler's cyanide capsules make a lot more sense. And more shocking news from the Middle East: these countries who practice the religion of peace are going to live under its laws! Yawn. I believe in freedom of religion, and it should be regionalized. The Mormons live under their tenants in Utah and nobody is bothered. I say let the Muslims be Muslims in the Muslim regions. We can trade our paper for their unctuous commodity to power our economy and oil is well. I do not care if they limit interest on loans to 3.5%, or that they want a gold back currency in which to trade, or that a man is able to take 4 wives. Yeah, that is ok.

They are simple goatherds who keep women oppressed and execute homosexuals and adulterers by pelting them with stones. Thieves are separated from limbs. Drug dealers and sorcery practitioners are separated from their bodies. Executions are by decapitation and public. Bloody, but effective. There are very few witches in Somalia and ever fewer homosexuals and adulterers. Goatherds have had time to study and get it right, unlike their western counterparts who have gone estrace v testosterone.

Here oddities are praised and protected. There they are killed. Here murderers are read rights and spend 20 years in jail if convicted and may get a lethal injection if they do not die of old age first. There they are tried within a week, if guilty, out of court and off to the nearest soccer field for a half-time execution with the executioner's sword, swish, thud, gush gush, somebody take these parts away and hose off the playing field so we can start the second half. Cheers!
The teams are taking the field.

Boy to father: "Daddy, I do not want my head cut off like that man. I am going to be good!"

Father to boy: "That's my boy! Read and abide by the Quran and all will be good!"

Is it time for the world to come together and agree to disagree and live in social harmony?

Hillary Clinton: "Not until we get Syria and Iran back into the fold."

Barack Obama: "And we must wait until Uganda is back in the fold."

Geo W. Bush: "That oil belongs to the Iraqi people."

A. Merkel: "The Greeks must suffer!"

H. Cain: "Are those real?"

B. Netanyahu: "Aryans, Iranians? Who can tell the difference?"

G. Soros: "Not until I have all the money, I am the 1/millionth of 1 percent!
I am a God!"

I am: Jackson Delano Maybolt,
Idiot Savant,
President,
Urban Poverty Law Center

Herman Cain Sexual Sign Target Talks To Urban Poverty Law Center

I was up late last night and decided to phone in on one of those 1800 numbers for singles and I spoke to a young lady, young sounding voice anyway, who told me she was involved in the current Herman Cain sex imbroglio.

I will try to protect her identity, but Foxy, assured me I could use her real name in my report which follows:

Foxy Merivether, is a retired restaurateur from Atlanta, Ga. She was born in Valdosta, Ga in 1961 to an unwed 20 yr old mother who had hooked up with a red-headed presidential candidate earlier the previous year, who went on to become president. I will try to protect this man's reputation since he is no longer here and can not be expected to voice any opinion as to the merits of the facts as presented as is the custom after one has been killed by an assassin's bullet in Dallas, Texas. I will not say which early sixties year this sad event took place, as I fear I have said to much already. I can say that John Connolly and and his wife were with the president when he was tragically struck down by bullets fired from the Texas School Book Depository building by Mr. Oswald. But that is all I can disclose until the seal is lifted off the Warren Commissions report in 43 more years.

We will all just have to be patient and wait just a little while longer.

Ms. Merivether says she was on the board of the George Restaurant Association when Herman Cain was its chairman. She was a mid-thirties single mom trying to raise three young children on a single salary and the extra cash from the Association came in handy, especially around Christmas, and children's braces and all that.

She said she had a cordial relationship with Mr. Cain, but when they were alone, she felt he was undressing her with his eyes, and he continually stared at her cleavage, and would ask her to join him in prayer where she would kneel in front of him and close her eyes. It was during one of these prayer sessions when she felt he had made an sexual gesture. She heard what she was certain was a polyester zipper, first unzip, and since she and Herman were the only two in the room she knew he was doing it. She slowly opened her eyes to see him turn quickly and adjust something large below his belt line. He never turned back to face her but quickly exited the room the two were sharing. As he left she heard him utter a faint, "Amen!"

During the investigation Ms. Merivether said Herman said when he knelt his polyester pants which had become a bit too snug because of all the eating out traveling on Restaurant Association business entails, had a wardrobe malfunction and that was the unzipping she had heard. He stood and turned to fix his problem, and had to leave since he had not packed enough briefs and was going "commando" that day, which only added to his misfortune. Herman Cain wears underwear. That is his habit, that is what he does.

I contacted the Herman Cain campaign and got in touch with a low level aid who confirmed my reporting. I only hope this helps.

The campaign assures me the Cain wardrobe has been expunged of the cheap polyester zippers. Herman Cain is a man who will not be fooled twice!

I find the story to be completely believable, especially the part about the former president who fathered Foxy!

Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center