I was horrified to read on Drudge about the "Beverly Hillbillies" like situation at Prospect Park in New York where some park attendees have been seen catching turtles, squirrels, fish, ducks, and cats, and cooking them right there in the park over an open fire pit. Now those with weak hearts and prone to spells of vomiting should read no further. I will give you a few moments to determine if you should continue, grab a bucket just in case.
They have been seen eating these delectable morsels without white wine or even silverware. They use their hands and wipe the grease off on their shirts when they are sated, belch loudly and some have been seen relieving themselves in the forested areas of the pristine park.
Park police have given the vagrant band of tribal hunters and gathers warning tickets totaling some $2,100. The putative leader of the band, who goes by his Prospect Park name, Org, short for "Organic", explained to Nita Tottenburg, of NPR, that they were a group of laid off NASA aerospace engineers, who lost everything when the Obama administration decided the Space Program, like tanning, was criminally underrepresented by people of color, and therefore must be taxed or downsized to even the playing field and make life fair.
"We are here visiting and getting our job applications out there. Our unemployment benefits of $232 a week do not go far in New York, so we got back in sync with nature. We learned everything about trapping and fishing by watching the Nat Geo channel's series on the Indians of South America."
When Nina asked Org why the group did not dumpster dive or go to one of the cities many homeless shelters or soup kitchens like the rest of the homeless population, Org said: "Ms. Nina, we are not mentally ill and are fully capable of caring for ourselves if we are left alone in nature with only a few tools and God's creations. We conserve, if we see the squirrel population is falling in the park, they get harder to find and we eat pigeons for a while. The fish get harder to catch if their numbers decline, and we will prey on ducks, If the declining duck numbers become a problem, we capture feral cats. We are not stupid!, We were planning to move over to Central Park next week anyway when we got these fines for being human."
Org went on to comment: "Nina, our group used to be on average, 47 lbs over weight. With our new hunters and gatherers diet we have lost to below our ideal body weight!" I used to take medication for high blood pressure and diabetes and with the weight loss I no longer have to take any medications. High fructose corn syrup is killing our population. We need to get back on sugarcane sugar which is better for you. Remember how good a coca-cola tasted in the 50's when it was made with sugar?"
Finally Nina asked Org if they had any job prospects on the horizon? Org replied, "Yes, Nina. We have been in contact with the Iranians who hope to be able to deliver a devastating nuclear payload from space to anywhere on the globe. We hate to go over like this, but our skills are no longer valuable here at home. And the fine people of New York are unable to standby idle as we hunt and gather and feed ourselves, so we will have to act in our own best interests in this situation. Besides if we don't do it the Chinese will even if it is via their proxy, the North Koreans."
Nina followed up with: "What would it take to keep you here on our side?"
"We had a tribal meeting on this very question last week when we were threatened by fines and jail. We agree we need to negotiate with the US government for full tribal recognition and need a few thousand acres on which to establish our reservation. The land needs to be near a large population center so as not to hamstring any future casino prospects and we need about one million dollars each to get started. These are our demands, otherwise we are going to keep feeding ourselves or help the Iranians, who, by the way, do not discriminate against white rocket scientists, dominate space. We have some fresh turtle ready to eat, Nina. Would you like to try some? It tastes just like chicken."
My God! This is why I founded the Urban Poverty Law Center back in 1988. I knew this day was coming.
Send your contributions to our organization so no more delicious animals might die to feed the hungry. Hunger will drive human beings to do some pretty desperate and despicable deeds. We will use the funds to challenge congress to answer why health care is a right and food is a commodity. Is that not like putting the carriage before the horse or the engine in the back of the car. Come on Mr. Ferdinand Porsche, you know what I am talking about.
Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center
"Discrimination and set asides makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." Mother Maybolt, 1921-2008
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