Shane Bauer and Josh Fattal are sentenced to 8 years in prison in Iran for doing what any adventurous American 20 somethings would undertake--hike the border between Iran and Iraq. Any of you who have read any of the writings contained within these hallowed bytes know this is something my sister's boy Jakob Maybolt Finkbinder would try but he only got as far as middle Turkey before his antiperspirant got him mistaken for a local and he had to return to America foregoing any chance of unwanted intercourse with Iranian detainees.
Seems Shane and Josh were only trying to peer into southern Iran from Northern Iraq to see if they could subvert the ruling mullahs authority and lead a revolt according to the charges placed on the two innocent pilgrims. Aside from the two years at CIA headquarters at Quantico, Virginia, neither of the boys has any formal training in clandestine operations. Their fake passports and the briefcase in their possession filled with Iranian Rials, valued at over $5 million, could not be used as evidence against the pair as they had not been read their rights when the evidence was seized. Ironically, both Josh and Shane are fluent in Farsi and Arabic as well as English, Russian and Chinese, again not an unusual talent for American school educated children where foreign languages are stressed in a challenging and difficult educational curriculum. Both hail from NYC PS 45 in the Bronx, where Shane was remembered for his dodge ball skills, and Josh was more of a loner, who read books on espionage and watched reruns of "Hogan's Heros" in Stalag Thirteen.
I wonder how many Shanes and Joshes made it through the porous border from Iraq and into Iran? I would venture not many. Perhaps we should contract the Iranians to secure our border with Mexico?
Well I did not start this fight, but I am here to offer myself as a high yield target exchange for these young men, only 28 yrs old.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I, Jackson Delano Maybolt, do here by offer myself up in a one for two prisoner exchange for the release of Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer. One fat 58 year old disabled farmer, with his best years behind him, squandered on beer and cigarettes with too little worship of our Lord to make any difference in my fate, for two bright young men with everything to look forward to if they can avoid your gulag.
I can leave tomorrow if the trade interests you, but I must warn you, I have no state secrets unless you believe my first hand knowledge of JFK's affair with Betsy Shenanigans of Clarksburg, Tn is of any value to your operatives. Word around here was Betsy's husband was firing from that grassy knoll in Dallas. Delbert Shenanigans was an unpleasant cuckold and Betsy had a harder time filling her date book after that November 22. There is a red headed Shenanigan boy and Delbert loved him like his own. He always said it would be wrong to blame the boy for the whore in the mother. I guess that makes good sense.
Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Law Center
"There are spies of the flesh as well as spies of the spirit." Mother Maybolt, 1927-2008
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