UPLC Testimony

If it’s true when they say that ‘you are what you eat,’ then I’m a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with no pickles or mustard and it’s all thanks to the UPLC. My life took a turn for the worse when my gambling addiction caused me to lose both my job and my regular source of sustenance. Ever since my hair moved from the top of my head to the small of my back, I would leave the Wendy’s where I worked and buy a $2 scratch ticket to see if I’d find my pot o’ gold.

Three years ago I found the end of that rainbow in the form of a $200,000 jackpot price! I thought to myself, “This is it, I can finally make a good investment in my future.” Well, you should’ve seen the clerk’s face when I asked to buy 100,000 $2 scratch tickets. For two weeks I was in heaven! I felt the exhilaration when I had three cherries and only needed one more to win. I grew to love the feeling of scratching off the surface and exposing the mystery beneath so much that instead of using pennies, I started using my fingernails. I loved the smells of the cards and the way my fingers felt with the black little balls jammed up underneath the nails.

I lost my job as a burger baron when the manager caught me picking my darkened fingernails and sniffing what I found instead of cleaning grease traps. When I started having blurred vision and a bladder that was always full, I figured it was just the stress from being unemployed. My scratched tickets yielded enough for a Sharper Image foot thingy and $214, which I spent on letting a doctor tell me that my jobless stress was actually type 2 diabetes.

Woe be to me! I also learned that the government wouldn’t pay for my treatment unless I had what they called “end-stage renal disease.” I wasn’t quite there yet and the only thing I had to my name was a doctor’s bill and exfoliated feet. I had to take action to advance my diabetes far enough that John Q. Taxpayer would be footing the bill.

That’s when Jack Maybolt stepped in and turned everything around. The UPLC knew that it couldn’t give me money because I’d spend it on scratchers, so Jack personally met me each day to buy a large combo meal from a fast-food restaurant of my choosing. Within 18 months I had a cute nurse showing me the ins-and-outs of some dialysis jiggamabob, and do you know what it cost me? NOTHING! The UPLC saved my life. Thanks Jack.