Urban Poverty Law Center Confessions of a Hacking

Friends,

With all the hubbub and the tittering going on in the Senate, watching the Honorable Senator
Barbara Boxer demand to know who illegally hacked into the Climate Research Units computer system and leaked the email that prove the scientists investigating global warming have lied, I must confess that it was my doing.

I was trying to get into the "Climactic Research Unit.com" site, and only by mistake hit Climate instead of Climactic. I love the videos of the comely young women with all the moaning and groaning. I often leave this site on in the background while I sleep. Well this day, I got into the Climate Research Unit by mistake and suddenly I was in their EMail files and I just hit forward and the next thing I knew my computer started sending information to God only knows where?
I tried to stop it, but it was no use. My computer has a windows program with a virus and the virus went viral and the rest is history. I like weather men, especially the ones on the weather channel who wear the tight sweaters. I sometimes watch it with the sound off. Mother had sweaters, too.

I know what I did to Phillip Jones and Michael Mann to besmirch their reputations was wrong.
I would gladly do anything to put the global warming genie back into the bottle, but the story has grown an ample pair of denial legs and is off and running. I hope Senator Barbara Boxer will accept my explanation that it was accidental and I am truly sorry for any damage to the drive for one world governance and world taxation my mistake may have caused.

If she can find it in her heart to forgive me, I will spend the rest of my life fighting for one world governance and for taxation on carbon through the full force and power of the Urban Poverty Law Center.

A friend of mine called and said our fellow Tennessean, Al Gore Jr. was business partners with Ken Lay of Enron fame and Enron had formed the first Carbon trading company and that Al Gore had positioned himself with a butt load of carbon credits. He is a smart man, but my pal and I are even smarter. We have all the legal rights to Oxygen! Yes that is correct. We own all the oxygen credits. Oxygen is a naturally occurring element atomic number 16. It was discovered in the 1500's by some scientist in England but he did not patent it, but we put in for a patent and the UPLC was granted Patent number 58767767599 for exclusive rights to hold and trade, and sell the entire world's supply of Oxygen. The patent is from Monaco, but it is a patent non the less.

What does this mean? Glad you asked. It means that we get two oxygen credits for every carbon credit that must be paid in advance because when you burn hydrocarbons you get CO2 as well as some H2O. Because we own all the oxygen on earth, we also can claim ownership of 16/18 percent of all the world's water since the molecular weight of water is this percentage of oxygen. We are trying to decide what a fair price is for each unit of Oxygen, but have narrowed the price to either $0.000000000000000000001 or $0.0000000000000000000015 per Oxygen atom which may be too much since one ounce of water is 18 grams and contains 16 grams of Oxygen and would cost 6.023 X 10 to the 23 or $1.00 taking the lower number. We will do some fudging of the numbers so as not to break the world bank so to speak, but you see how filthy rich we have become by owning all the Oxygen credits! Probably the right thing to do is for everybody to back away from the credits and nobody gets hurt.

Jack D. Maybolt, PhD
Science Editor, Urban Poverty Law Center


"Not all of the monkeys live in the zoo." Mother Maybolt, 1929-2008

UPLC has its first employ

Friends,

It is with great pleasure to let you all know the Urban Poverty Law Center has hired its first employee! Ms. Susan Blunderdoss has agreed to do light clerical work and cook supper three days a week. Now she is a fine church going lady. Attends the New Liberty Church for Christs Sake and sings in the choir. She is widowed and has a son, Toby Blunderdoss, who is 14 years old and attends the West Carroll County High School and plays the tuba in the marching band.

Here is where it gets interesting. Toby saw a special on the cosmos with Carl Sagan about 3 years ago and when he learned from Dr. Sagan the number of objects hurtling towards our blue planet, he became extremely agitated and finally after some coaxing from his mother confided in her his fear. He was afraid that one of those stones traveling at 17,000 mph and heading towards earth was going to strike him and kill him right there.

This phobia causes young Toby to walk in a sporadic fashion, always cutting this way then that, sometimes walking backwards sometimes taking side steps. This he feels makes him a harder target for that rock out there which he is convinced has his number. Mike McAnulty, the band director for the West Carroll County High School has been great. When they preform for high school football games he lets Toby march behind the band and allows him to do what ever free style steps he needs. The fans eat it up. Toby is in therapy, but his progress has seemed to hit a plateau.

Ms. Blunderdoss has typed the letter inviting former President Manuel Zelaya to Cedar Grove to become a fellow of the Urban Poverty Law Center. I sent it with the mail carrier today care of the Brazillian Embassy in Honduras. I hope it gets there.

I am watching the proceedings in Copenhagen very carefully. I will come out with a policy statement in the next few hours. I think it is time to invite Al Gore, Jr to speak to the Cedar Grove Nudist's chapter for the prevention of global warming. They are not strict nudists as they will wear hats and gloves and boots on particularly blustery cool days. They are still a sight when they take their jogs through the community. Mother Maybolt used to say in disgust that is why god invented clothiers when she would see them jogging past our place in birthday suits.

Jack D. Maybolt, PhD.
President Urban Poverty Law Center


"If at first you did not secede, you must be the South after the Civil War." Mother Maybolt, 1923-2008

Urban Poverty Law Center Invitation to Manuel Zelaya

Friends,

We are still reeling from our loss here in Cedar Grove of the Metro Bingo Parlor/Food Bank!
I know the world keeps on spinning and we need to get past this little set back and continue to make good policy for our poor urban brothers and sisters. It is with this motivation that I have decided to invite ousted President Manuel Zelaya to leave his Honduran hide-out at the Brazilian Embassy and join us at the UPLC here in Cedar Grove.

I have decided we need to reach out to our brown brothers to the south and for this reason I have invited President Zelaya to become the first fellow of the New Urban Poverty Law Center.
It is a position of high honor. I look forward to having President Zelaya as a colleague. I hope to pay him a stipend when we get on our feet financially.

I have been following the Tiger Woods soap opera. As I said before, he is a man, and so far all of the women who have come forward have been of age and beautiful, and as Mother said, "what's in a couple of minutes of bumping uglies. Where do you think you came from? Under a rock?"

What I am trying to say is what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And if love is not possible, blisteringly hot megastar affairs is a good start. Hell, Tiger and Elin, and et c., et c., et c., Mother always said, "You know, you can't wear out something that makes its own grease! But that does not keep us from trying, and God knows we all tried when we were young."

Sorry, I got off point. We are going to be writing to President Obama for some money for the Urban Poverty Law Center. We need to take it to the next level. The only thing we need to do this is more money. I will be appearing on radio and TV and will need a make-over and some new clothes. My leisure suit, polyester of course, in green plaid is a bit snug and looks funny with my right leg missing and all. So you see where I am coming from. I do not want to spend all my settlement money on this cause, but I will if we cannot get charitable contributions from the givernment, shit did I just misspell government. Well givernment or government either will do, you all know what I meant.

I have been studying the climate change crisis and hope to come out with a policy statement for the Urban Poverty Law Center this week to coincide with the Copenhagen Climactic Confab, which is being held in Copenhagen, Denmark. Did you ever notice the breasts on the little mermaid statue in Copenhagen harbor? They are really nice and firm. Only suggestion for the Danes, that is what they call people from Denmark, would be to paint her upper half in flesh tones, that would be really nice!

Jack D. Maybolt, PhD
President, Urban Poverty Law Center


"Life is too short not to do who ever you can." Mother Maybolt, 1925-2008

Urban Poverty Law Center Fun Razer Tragedy!

Friends,

It is with a heavy heart and a broken soul that I must report that the first UPLC fun razer for the poor of Detroit was hit by unforeseen tragedy. Myrtle Millingen who was in charge of the kitchen plugged too many appliances into the outlets in a clear violation of Cedar Groves fire codes and fire consumed the Metropolitan Cedar Grove Bingo Parlor/ Food Bank. Fortunately no one was hurt, but by the time the all volunteer fire department arrived, there was nothing for them to do except cool the smoldering ashes of what once was a proud land mark in Cedar Grove for over a century.

I think all will agree that we will take our $217 that we raised for the Dozer for Detroit and apply these to rebuild the Bingo Parlor/Food Bank right here in Cedar Grove! Charity begins at home.

I have not given up on the Dozer for Detroit plans, but fate is such an unpredictable beast when all the best laid plans of mice and men are often lead asunder.

Me and Larry Simmons tried to list the Bigfoot big toe on ebay and were rejected. I do not think they believe us. We will try on Craig's List. It is Saturday afternoon and I have to get a nap as I had a fitful night after the fire and all. Even some time in mother's merkin drawer did not cheer me up. I'm down, I'm really down. I'm down, down on the ground! How can you laugh? When you know I'm down. How can you laugh?

More later when spirits lift out of the funk.

Jack D. Maybolt, PhD

Treasurer, Urban Poverty Law Center

"Just when you thought life could not deal you a worse hand, believe me it can!" Mother Maybolt 1922-2008

Urban Poverty Law Center Fun Razer For Dozer Upstaged!

Friends,

It is with great excitement I report Skip Reasons, Lonnie's second boy by his third wife, Matildie, had an accident while driving through Natches Trace State Park late yesterday. Now he is alright, but his pick-up is totaled. The way Lonnie tells it, Skippy was traveling east on Cavia Road, just before you get to the Shiloh Baptist Church and a large hairy figure stepped out of the woods and Skip swerved to miss the creature that he says stood head and shoulders above the top of his Chevy Silverado!

Skippy hit the creature in a glancing blow and slammed into a large white oak. Fortunately he was wearing his seat belts and the air bag deployed. Next thing Skippy knew the creature was looking in the window at him and then it screamed a blood curdling cry and limped into the woods to the north. Lonnie and his brother Jug got Larry Simmons to bring his wrecker out and tow Skip's truck home. Larry says he found a piece of the creature on the road while he was sweeping the plastic and glass off the road. Skippy looked to be unhurt, but he was loaded when Lonnie and Jug got there and they took him home while Larry got the truck. Larry says he just thought Skippy was making up the "miss the creature" as an excuse just like Lonnie and Jug did. Skippy has a reputation for drinking more than Dean Martin and crashing more that Dale Ernhardt. Larry seen the hair and blood on the fender, then he thought just an unlucky deer, but the hair was not right. That's when Larry seen the toe.

Larry brought the piece of the creature to me cause he knows I listen to CoasttoCoast at night and am considered the only expert in UFOlogy and cryptozoology in this area. It also helps that I have a PhD and they think I am a doctor. Country people are so gullible. Anyway, Larry brings this toe out to the house and I did some measurements on it and it is the first and the second phalanges and it is huge. It is eight and a half inches around and six and a quarter inches long.

I looked at Larry and declared, "Looks like you have Bigfoot's bigtoe!" It has hair on top and the bottom is hairless. Looks to have about half pound of meat on the toe too.

Larry wanted to take it over to the Jackson State Community College and give it to the Zoologist there, Dr. Finkbinder, but I told him I had a better idea. I convinced Larry that we should take Bigfoot's bigtoe and put it on ice and put it up for auction on ebay. Larry and I think it will bring over a couple of hundred dollars and put the funds towards the dozer for Detroit! If you go to Ebay look the item up in the advance search. Bid to win! It will be up tonight. For now it is in a baggie in my freezer. I am so excited.

See you tonight at the fund razer. Be ready for some good food and a lot of just plain fun for all and for a great cause.

Jack D. Maybolt PhD

CryptoZoologist/Science editor Urban Poverty Law Center

"You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." Mother Maybolt's comment to me when she learned I was taking the community skank to the senior prom. 1926-2008

Urban Poverty Law Center Policy Statement on Honduras and Bitching

Friends,

Hondurans saw fit to toss President Manuel Zelaya out of office when he tried to unconstitutionally hold onto power indefinitely. The Honduran Congress voted on his removal which is constitutional and the Supreme court held the congressional vote to be valid and he was removed by the military and not shot which is customary in South America, but not constitutional. Interestingly, all the dictatorial thugs in this hemisphere complained including Hildee B. Clinton, our esteemed Secretary of State. Apparently following a constitution sets a bad precedence in a representative republic. Tiny lil Honduras did not bow to the unconstitutional thugocracy and stuck with their constitution and elected Porfirio Lobo as president.

The Urban Poverty Law Center's position on Honduran self-rule and its stand against lawlessness is laudable and should be copied all around the world. The Hondurans traded a tyrant named Manuel Zelaya (translation "hand Job") for president Porfirio Lobo (translation "Blood Wolf")

Hats off to the Honduran people and their representatives for doing the hard work and keeping their people free of tyranny! Let's see President Blood Wolf or Hand Job, I know which one I would rather have at the controls of government. Viva Honduras! A tiny outpost of laws and freedom in a world of ever increasing lawlessness and tyranny.

We will see what the American people can do to stem the tide of unconstitutional usurpations set in motion by those currently at the wheel, drunk with power and high on self-aggrandizement and arrogance, in twenty-ten. Viva Americans!

Jackson D. Maybolt, PhD

Op-ed Chief, Urban Poverty Law Center

"If rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it. What's a couple of minutes, anyway, it ain't nothing.

Then forget about it." Mother Maybolt's advice to cousin Martha should she be faced with another rape at a fraternity house. 1925-2008

UPCL Fund Razer in Two Days!

Friends,

Cedar Grove and the surrounding communities of Lavinia and Leach and Terry have all been abuzz with the excitement surrounding the First Annual Fund Razer For the Poverty Stricken
In Detroit Through No Fault of Their Own, (FAFRFTPSIDTNFOTO) for short. What is all the twittle and twaddle about? As followers of the Urban Poverty Law Center, you know the fund razer will be held at the Metropolitan Cedar Grove Bingo Parlor/Food Bank at 6:30 to ? and that barbecue and moonshine and drinks for the kiddies will be available for the low tickets prices, and that four 5 lb blocks of government cheese will be given out as door prizes, all this and more on December 4, 2009.

The buzz is whether Michaele Salahi and her husband will be attending even though they did not receive an invitation. Personally I do not see the attraction. I find her husband to be somewhat of a dud and she seems as appealing as yesterday's cheese grits adorned with lipstick stained cigarette butts. This is from a man who hasn't been with a woman since 1978. But hey, we are not unfriendly here in the South. If Michaele and her tubby man want to attend, they can pay the $7 just like everyone else and have the time of their lives! It is for a good cause, unlike some of the other party's they have recently crashed.

Flashback: Obama's State Dinner for India's Prime Minister, Sik Mi Diki, last week.

President Obama: "How very nice to meet you both Mr. and Mrs. Salahi."

Tareq: "The pleasure is all ours, Mr. President. My but our last name rolled off your tongue
with such ease! We are not used to that."

President Obama: "You forget that I was raised a Muslim in Indonesia and have a cosmopolitan
aire of sophistication not generally available to home spun Americans. You
know like the bunch that we recently replaced here at the White House.
Ha, ha. Praise be to Allaha ha ha."

Michaele: "Mr. President, can I call you Barrak?"

President Obama: "No, Michellie is right over there and may hear you."

Micheale: " Oh, OK, but I find you to be so charming and intellectual compared to my
husband here who I find, after all these years, is incapable of making
an honest living and we are down to government service or bankruptcy.
Can you find him a place in your administration, say a GS-17 or better?"

President Obama: "I will see what I can do. Do you mind living in Detroit?"

Michaele: "Wood eye?"

Well a true story, I have a cousin in the Secret Service and he details the President at the White House. We all know you can't be a Secret Service agent if you are a liar.

I know you are all anxious to hear the Urban Poverty Law Center's position on the ousting of President Manuel Zelaya and the recent election of Porfirio Lobo in Honduras. I am working on a statement, but this international policy stuff cannot be rushed and I hope to spend some time on it this afternoon. Afterall what do I have to do here in my hoveround?

Jackson D. Maybolt, PhD
CEO Urban Poverty Law Center

"Are you kidding? The universe is teaming with life. Why else would there be so much space out there? Mother Maybolt 1927-2008