Socialist, socialite, and now allegedly French sodomite, Monsieur Dominique Strauss-Kahn, president of the International Monetary Fund is accused of forcing his monetary policies on an unwilling world! The portly and ribald sexagenarian who was set to challenge France's President Sarkozy in the general election next year is instead spending time in a New York City holding pen after he was accused of forcing his sexual policies on a common chamber maid at one of New York's finest hotels.
He has retained famed attorney, F. Lee Bailey, who in a statement to the press said that Mr. Strauss-Kahn is immune from prosecution as his position as leader of the International Monetary Fund allows him to screw anybody in the world with impunity. Mr. Bailey is sure the charges will be dropped by the Chamber Maid as soon as she is informed of the special importance of his client.
In a press conference, Strauss-Kahn said he used a technique passed along to him by former President Clinton, but when he tried to force his policy down the throat of the chamber maid, she refused to swallow it and instead is set to press charges against her sexual aggressor. He had been innocently reviewing the cache of pornography retrieved from the Bin Laden compound, in his underwear, when the chamber maid abruptly entered his hotel suite dressed very provocatively in a tight blue uniform dress and white orthopaedic shoes.
" She had that come hither look all chamber maids have while cleaning toilets and bathrooms," according to Strauss-Kahn, "and her skirt barely covered her calves and her breasts were forced hard against her dress...... What was I to think, this wench was merely there to clean my bathroom?"
"It is all a big misunderstanding. I thought she liked it when I overpowered her and forced her head into my more delicate area?"
The victim only spoke Spanish and her sobbing and garbled cries of no were misinterpreted by the friendly Frenchman as permission to proceed with the sodomy.
Further, Strauss-Kahn was convinced her tears were tears of joy! "I am truly sorry I misread her reaction to my sexual advance. I have only done this many, many times in the past but the object of my desires always understood my mistake when I pleaded my case afterwards. But you see, I had a plane to catch and did not have time to fully explain what had just happened to the two of us. We had just shared a very special moment. Can I help it if she took it the wrong way? Women, who can truly figure them out? "
As President of the Urban Poverty Law Center, I can accept Mr. Strauss-Kahn's explanation and will offer him a position as an unpaid volunteer as our Chief Financial Officer. I believe that I can train him not to abuse the females here in Cedar Grove and will give him permission to use my mother's merkin drawer when he feels "pressure". I feel certain he will not be able to rebound from these serious allegations. It is like being ask when you stopped sodomizing your step-daughters? The damage is done no matter the verdict. I believe the world will miss this man's unique talents. This is a great loss for the IMF. I wonder if the world's fiat money can hold on much longer with the loss of this great, great man. I predict the price of oil and gold will surge on this sad, sad news.
Jackson Delano Maybolt, President Urban Poverty Center
"Pornography, prostitutes, alcohol and parties can make whores and whore-hoppers of us all." Mother Maybolt, 1924-2008
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