Urban Poverty Law Center Letters To and From a Son of Bitch

I opened another one of the letters my father wrote me, which, as you know were placed in a trunk by my mother and never seen by me until now. My father left mommy for a carnival stripper, Lulu, back in 1973 after I was mangled by the John Deere Manure Spreader. We were close, very close up until he left. Other letters are on this site dated 3/7/11,2/12/11 and 1/18/11. The letters to and from a son of a bitch are only for entertainment and contain a snap shot of what one man was enduring in America and what he was thinking. With that explanation to the reader, I give you this:

My dear son:

Another day in bedlam. I worked very late last night and wrote 1500 of the 2000 words required for Nashville Magazine by tomorrow.

I was confronted on arising with a demand from Lulu that I call the Jaguar specialist in east Nashville immediately. After resisting I finally did call him. Bob Acuff is an honest mechanic and therefore not likely ever to prosper. He explained to me that Jaguars have underneath on either side of the transmission a tiny white plastic tube of 3/8" diameter which gets clogged with growth of some sort and this backs up the water from the air-conditioner and ultimately wets the floorboards of the car which then finally rusts and you have a horror story.

I had noticed the wet carpets in the car after our return from Florence. Lulu was in her sock feet and had complained of standing in water on her side, as it were. I thought it must be coming in from a leak, as it was raining much of the trip.

"Remove those mats immediately" quoth Honest Acuff, the honest mechanic after explaining what it was in all likelihood. Then he said to get the car up on the rack at the nearest service station and find the two little tubes and run something in very carefully and clean out the clog moss and some water would spill out and the car would be cured. I have to take Acuff aside and tell him how to handle this particular problem to his best advantage,

thusly:

-THE SKIT-

ACUFF: "Mr Maybolt, I will send for the car and have it brought in for this is potentially life threatening, I will have to have the car at least ten days and run some tests. If it is what I fear it is, the cost could run about $500--"

Maybolt: "Thank God, no more than that?"

Acuff: "For the parts, that is--"

Maybolt: "Oh--well."

Acuff: "The labor on this job runs another $500 but I can give you a discount and do it for $487,77."

Maybolt: "If that is all, then--"

Acuff: "There could be a bit more for the parts--I have to take the cumberbund off and rewind the axphyxiator courndum borger and depending on what I find-- it could run another $200, about, you know--"

Maybolt: "Ball park, I know--"

Acuff: "You know those cumberbund diddleedaddle dew-drop porgies, I am sure you have heard of them. But that's a Jaguar for you."

Maybolt: "I--ah--yess, I--uh, yeah, they are a mess. I'd fix it my self, but--"

Acuff: Mister Maybolt your time is too valuable to mess with something this minor, I realize you'd take it apart and--but why get your hands greasy?"

Maybolt: "Check, right."

Acuff: "And if you or Mrs. Maybolt could just give the tow truck driver a check for $650? That oughtta get us started. I have to pay for those parts when I get 'em, you know. Write out a check, cash to me personal, Bob Acuff."

Maybolt: "Six-fifty? O.K. I am so relieved it--"

Acuff: "Hold it--I'm talking old prices. Dang! I have the new prices here-- make the check $750."

Maybolt: (screaming) "What!"

Acuff: (sorrowful, placating) "I think I can find them parts at the old prices. If not I will absorb it. Say can we split the difference--$700 up front?"

Maybolt: (a sigh) "Fine, Mr. Acuff the check will be ready."

Acuff: "We will get the car in about an hour, Mr. Maybolt."

(I think I can sell this skit to Acuff for $7,000--a year for ten years--plus 30 percent of 100 percent of 4 percent of his gross
do-dhahomey, whatmalted whammogodzilla---right" Check!!!)

(Seriously)

I am getting shortness of breath and better close this and take a hot bath and go get the Jag fixed at the Shell Station with a straight paperclip and a little piece of copper wire. Then If I can find some fool with a similar problem I can become known as the Jaguar expert when that expensive water problem comes up and fix them for $1500 to $3,000 depending on what I find when I unwind the cumberbund-
-We will get through this and thanks for the help with it, and hugs for all the family OLD GRANDDAD FOO


Dear Dad,

Where is the Cumberbund located on a Jag?

Jackson Delano Maybolt President Urban Poverty Law Center